I found a great book that I want to share

The coming out process for anyone is a challenge, but at the same time it's a personal challenge. It's different for everyone. In a recent discussion with a gay friend he said "I don't get this "coming out" thing, I've always just been who I am". He's in his 60's and has been "out" all his life. That's awesome for him and I couldn't be happier.

But that's not the case for everyone. For those of us who come to a realisation of our sexuality from a religious background, there's often a whole other level of "issues" we need to face. The reconciliation of our faith and our sexual preference are often at competing ends of a spectrum.

Anthony Venn-Brown is a gentleman I've got to know here in Sydney. You can visit his blog here. Anthony was a minister for many years, has children and is now a life coach, author and has a foundation ABBI - Ambassadors & Bridge Builders International. 

Click Here to visit the foundation.

The Hon Michael Kirby.

The Honourable Michael Kirby, a retired Australian High Court Judge wrote the following foreward to the book:

"Human stories, like the one in these pages, play a part in advancing understanding and acceptance. It is the story of a quest to find not only self-acceptance but one of the most powerful forces in nature—human love..” 

You can read Kirby's full foreward here.

The following is an excerpt from the book:

"We are all living a life of unlearning: unlearning things we accepted as truth but created a persona so unlike who we really are. Eventually cracks appear and beliefs challenged. 

On the surface everything looked perfect. Anthony Venn-Brown was a happily married father-of-two and a popular preacher in Australia's growing mega-churches such as Hillsong. Behind the scenes he fought a constant battle to conform, believing his homosexuality made him unacceptable to God and others. 

After twenty-two years of struggle and torment, a chance meeting forced Anthony to make the toughest decision of his life; maintain the façade he had created or, be true to himself and lose it all. Tired of feeling torn and fragmented, he confessed and came out. The results of that confession took him on a lonely journey that made him who he is today.  

This sometimes brutally honest account highlights not only the costs of being true to yourself but that the rewards of resolution and integrity are worth the struggle.  

As Anthony's story is ultimately about being true to one's self, gay, straight, Christian and non-faith people have found relevance in this triumphant autobiography."  

If you're struggling to reconcile your faith with your sexuality, firstly know that you're not alone. The good news is that many of us have done just that, we've reached a point where we're at peace with who we are and still have faith in Christ or whomever we worship. 

Anthony's journey is beautifully shared in this amazing book.

Where does the time go?

I feel like 2014 has just slipped away and 2015 is here before I realised!

It's been more than 12 months since I blogged here. My time is buried in blogging for work here and at my personal work related blog here.

It's time I paid some attention to this blog :-)

2014 has been a great year. My Partner and I bought ourselves an apartment and we finally move in, February 2015. It's  brand new three bedroom apartment in Arncliffe, about 10 minutes further south from where are now in Mascot, Sydney.

We've just had a wonderful Christmas with my mum visiting. On Christmas eve we had a beautiful Christmas Eve dinner with very good friends Brett & Marcus in the Blue Mountains. They had 30 close friends and family for the most amazing dinner. One huge long table with an amazing dinner.

Being Gay in Australia in 2014

Well, nothing much has changed. Still no or limited possibility of ever getting married with our conservative federal government. Our Prime Minister, Tony Abbott continues to embarress us on the domestic and international stage. In late 2013 his government overturned a gay marriage law in the ACT, read further here.

Photo from: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-30584120

The recent Lindt Cafe siege in Sydney has raised some discussion around gay relationship as one of the people killed in that siege was gay. The outpouring of grief for Tori Johnson (Right) and Katrina Dawson (Left) has been amazing. Tori, was the store manager at the Lindt Cafe, he and his partner had been together for many years. 

The media and others have, in the process of reporting the siege, been respectful and inclusive in the way they talk about Tori, his partner and their relationship. Perhaps through the tragedy of the event, people's hearts will be softened and they will begin to realise that two loving people, regardless of their gender, can be in a loving and supportive relationship.

So what's up for 2015?

That's a great question. I've not really thought about it, the end of the year has snuck up on my so quickly that I'm not really sure. Moving home will be a big move. My sister turns 50 and work is looking great. So, with my partner I'm sure the year will be awesome. Here's hoping yours will be a great year too.

Three Years of Conservative Rule

It Looks Like Australia Has Taken A Step Backwards

The federal election has been and gone and the conservative Australian Liberal Party (yeah I know, it doesn't make sense) is in power. Prime Minister Abbott has created his new cabinet containing one women. We have no Minister (Secretary) for Science and the make up of Ministers is more Catholic than at any time in Australian political history.

When you add all these things together, it has pushed marriage equality back 10 years. I also feel sorry for the science community. Abbott has abolished the government climate change board, they've since decided to remain active and are now surviving on public donations instead of tax payer funds. 

The upside with politics in Australia is that the whole exercise took place without any violence, the changing of the government is a peaceful process. The Honourable Quentin Bryce - Governor General of Australia swore in the new government

As Australia's 28th prime minister, Tony Abbott has promised not to pull out any crazy moves,
so it was fitting he wore his customary blue tie and his regulation suit.

What's Next?

Well, I think that's anyone's guess. Life appears to be much the same, I'd argue that it rarely changes when government change because in reality they're so hard to differentiate from a policy point of view.

Given the Prime Minister's sister is gay, we at least have a "friend" on the inside who has the ear of the Prime Minister. Will that help? Well I suppose it can't hurt.

It's Election Time in Australia

Where does the time go?

I haven't blogged since March! That's not entirely true, I blog at my personal work related blog www.derekbell.com.au and I also blog for work! The past few months have been eventful, my partner and I are looking to buy an apartment, we found a really nice one on the south side of Sydney about three stops from the airport. It's still under construction and we can't move in until the first quarter of 2015. While that feels like forever away, it's not really.

I changed jobs in June, I'm now working for an Oracle reseller - we sell and implement Eloqua a marketing automation platform. I'm loving it, I'm consulting with clients and building our own digital marketing campaigns. I geek out when ever I get to look at the campaign stats, it's fun.

Election Time

Australia heads to the polls this time next week. The battle is essentially between the conservative Liberal Party (Republicans) and the more left leaning Labour Party (Democrats). However compared to both US parties, the Australian parties are both left leaning.

The marriage equality debate has come up and there are groups doing their best to ensure it stays on the agenda, but I don't see it playing a big issue in this election. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has come out saying he's supportive of marriage equality, the first sitting Prime Minister to take that position.

How Will I Vote?

While I might say I'm really not sure, I think I've made my mind up. I should confess I've voted Liberal most of my life, however that's changed over the past few years. About five years ago I lived in Dayton, OH for six months. While living there I would catch up with the VP of sales of the company I was consulting to.

We had great conversations, always about the things you should never discuss - religion, politics and sport. The VP was Jewish, a great guy and very open minded, so the conversations were excellent.

The night of our last dinner/catch up he told me that while I may have presented myself as a Republican (in US terms), he felt that I was more so a fiscally conservative social democrat. I liked that, it made sense. I could wear that badge.

So in Australia, that would translate to me voting Labour. Although some may disagree with the dots I've joined to reach that conclusion. The main issue for me is that the Australian Liberal Party's social polices are so draconian and offensive, it leaves me no choice but to vote Labour.

Let's See What Happens

I'm reasonably certain the Liberal Party will win this election, current polling suggests as much. Will this throw Australian back 20 years from a social policy point of view? Perhaps. There is a glimpse of hope that in the marriage equality area the Liberal Party will allow a conscious vote, however to date they've said they will not.

Tony Abbott's (possibly new Prime Minister next week) sister is gay, Christine Forster. Forster was reported* as saying:

"Tony Abbott's sister has revealed that the Opposition Leader felt "conflicted" about voting in Parliament against marriage equality last year. 

Speaking on the ABC's , Christine Forster, who is gay, said her brother's view that marriage is only between a man and a woman is slowly "shifting". 

"There's been a significant shift in how he approaches this whole question," she said."

So, we'll see what happens.

*SOURCE: Yahoo7 News

Sport, Bullying and the Gay Community

Bendigo City Councillor Leach

This past week, Local Government Councillor Leach from Bendigo in Victoria caused a stir when she wrote a letter to the Editor of the Herald Sun (Melbourne) newspaper. 

In the letter, Cr Leach says “we don’t want issues such as homosexuality, or any sexuality, thrusted in our faces in the name of anti-bullying”.“We won’t be attending any more games. Gay pride! What rubbish!”, it says.*

It seemed to me that she probably doesn't have any gay friends, but the article goes onto quote her as saying “I am not homophobic. I know lots of gay people.” In my usual zeal, I thought I need to email this women and let her now how I feel. I decided to temper my remarks and perhaps share with her some ideas that perhaps she hadn't considered or perhaps wasn't aware of. 

My email to her is below.

Good Morning Councillor Leach, 

It seems your letter to the editor of the Herald Sun has stirred a bit of a "cufuffle" (never sure how to spell that). 

I appreciate and understand your point and I can't help but feel perhaps it's been taken out context as tends to happen, especially around the issue of anything "gay". I think your point is valid, politics doesn't belong in sport nor should it be used as a platform to forward any political view. 

At the same time, I appreciate and understand why some in the AFL feel the way they do. Football, by its nature, is a very 'blokey' domain and one that has had a homophobic undertone for many years. Ben Cohen, the great UK footballer has a a charity he started called "Stand Up Against Bullying". Click Here to visit his facebook page. 

Ben is a great advocate for the underdog, the persecuted and the down trodden. He, his wife and their gorgeous kids are very involved in getting a very positive message out there that bullying in any form is a bad thing. Is this a political message? I don't think so. Ben is also very involved with the gay community and goes to great lengths to support various gay community events and to raise awareness in the community as a whole. 

I think there is space for Australian football bodies to do the same thing. It seems difficult to detach politics from the "gay" issue, possibly because of the gay marriage debate which some would argue is not political, but a basic human right.  

I'm also sensitive to young people who may be questioning their own sexuality, especially when they see negative news items about the gay community. They're young and inexperienced about things of the world and it can contribute to them feeling that they're being attacked personally. I'm sure you're aware of the rates of teenage suicide and the increased levels of such in the gay community, a tragedy for sure. 

Councillor Leach, you were quoted as saying that you have "many gay friends". This puts you in a unique position where you hold a local government political post and are in touch with a group within the community who can feel marginalised because of who they are.  

All the best to you, I hope the press doesn't go to hard at misrepresenting your comments. 

Cheers
Derek

So, you might think I went a bit soft on her, I think I did too. However, sending her an email with me ranting would probably have been deleted long before she got past my greeting. I'm hoping that perhaps something I said here will help her see that there is a role, a really positive role for sports people to play in the anti-bullying, anti-homophobic debate.

Have You Engaged Local Politicians on the Anti-Bullying topic?

*SOURCE: The Weekly City Review

Facebook Groups and Gay Mormons

Finding a Safe Place

There's much in the news and spoken of in communities about the dangers of social media, especially when it comes to youth. I've come across a few facebook Groups focussed on gay LDS/Mormons as well as Groups focussed on bringing different parties together.

One such group is Mormon's Building Bridges on facebook. When I joined the group I didn't take the time to read their version of Apple's Terms & Conditions, it went on for pages. They probably could have summed it all up by listing their Terms & Conditions as "Be Christ Like". 

I found the group a little dry and very Utah centric, even very Salt Lake City focussed. I found most of the posts confusing, confusing in the sense that gay folks were talking about Church meetings they'd attended, firesides they'd been to and family home evenings they'd be participated in. 

On the surface, they seem confused to me. I get that they still have their faith, as do I, but I don't understand what is to be gained by participating in Church activities where people essentially believe you're a sinful creature and that there is room to repent and change.

Governor Romney

The recent US election saw some pretty dirty politics and division among people around a number of issues. I have some wealthy LDS friends from the North West of the US who shared with me their voting choice after they'd cast their vote on election day.

They voted for Romney and for gay marriage but against marijuana. :-) So it seems there are plenty of active LDS people who have a conscious and perhaps don't believe it's the Church's role to push a view on issues that are essentially secular in nature.

"Group" Discussion

There was much election discussion in the facebook groups that I participate, but not in the Mormon's Building Bridges group. Their 'charter' calls for no political discussion. How that's possible, I really don't know. Especially in the context of the LDS Church's political involvement in California's Prop 8 vote.

One group I do find myself spending a lot of time is "Breakthough Branch". I think it's meant to be "Breakthrough Branch" but facebook don't let you fix typo's is my understanding :-) This is a great group, far more open and the discussion is excellent and supportive. There's is a mix of gay and str8, LDS and others, active and less active in the group.

The group is facilitated by a wonderful str8 LDS women, Carol. She does a great job, she's not heavy handed in her moderation of the group and she's created a safe place for discussion.

Why Sexism Still Exists

There is a mix of gay men and women in the group. Some of the girls have told stories of their participation in Mormon's Building Bridges and the sexism they've experienced which has driven them from that group. They've shared stories of comments they've made, similar to those made by gay men but they've then been shot down by str8 members, usually men, for their comments.

There seems to be a double standard at play. It appears that gay men are more accepted than gay women. I don't understand that, it's just plain odd. 

Where to From Here?

I think overall the groups serve a great purpose, they enable people to come together in what should be a safe place, some are safer than others. The agenda behind the groups differs and that's cool, but I've learnt that reading the "small print" of these groups is a good idea in order to participate in a meaningful way.

Feminism Debate - Julia Gillard

Would The Real Julia Gillard Please Stand Up?

Well, it's been an interesting week in Australian politics? Our Prime Minister Julia Gillard gave the opposition leader, Tony Abbott a serious verbal beating and called him a misogynist. Just to be clear, a definition is below:

Misogyny is the hatred or dislike of women or girls. According to feminist theory, misogyny can be manifested in numerous ways, including sexual discrimination, denigration of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women.

If you're interested, you may want to read what the PM actually said. Click Here to read the official Australian Government transcript or Hansard from the session of parliament. Since coming to office, the PM has been berated by many about almost every aspect of who she is.

Miranda Devine

As far as I'm concerned if it's about her job, that's one thing and is open to as much interrogation as possible. However, derogatory comments based on gender have no place in a civilised society.

There was an article in the Sunday Telegraph newspaper today from the journalist Miranda Devine. While the paper has a right leaning agenda, it's no where near as far to the right as the US Republican voter.

I'm not sure what this discourse really did for the average Australian, schools still need work done, hospitals needs additional funding and the bush needs doctors more than ever before. However, the PM managed to berate the opposition leader and make it clear to him and the world she feels insulted by his comments. I just don't think this was the best possible use of tax payer funded time. There are other ways for the PM to have her say on this topic.

I think Devine made some very pertinent points, however her closing comment I thought was the best:

"But to what end?

With unemployment rising, the non-resources economy flatlining, the mining industry having peaked, carbon tax biting and superannuation under threat, the electorate views dimly the people who are supposed to be running the country running around playing gender politics instead. Especially on the 10th anniversary of the first Bali bombing.

We don't care if the prime minister is a woman or a man. We just want rational, prudent, even boring government. We want to be "relaxed and comfortable" again."

Don't get me wrong, good on the PM for saying what she said. It just seems like a "storm in a teacup" that probably really won't go anywhere and I'm not sure what electoral benefits there is for her.

So many views, Facebook Groups and more

Gay LDS Facebook Groups

The appears to be no shortage, some a mix of just us gay folks and others a mix of well intended straight folks and gay. The discussions are generally nice, people sharing ideas and experiences.

Personally I've found some of the discussions a little odd, from my point of view. I should point out that I firmly believe that everyone's journey from the closet to "out" and then hopefully "out and proud", is a personal one. Everyone's journey is unique.

The part I've struggled with comes from one specific Facebook group called "Mormons Building Bridges". There is a concerted effort to conduct firesides and other church meetings for gay and straight LDS to attend. I think there is merit in doing this and the more tolerance it brings will make the world a better place, however I'm not sure I understand what the end goal is.

I'm particularly sensitive to young people, teenagers and those in their twenties who may be feeling depressed about their gender identity and feel stifled in an LDS environment where the only message they may hear is that being gay is "wrong" and that Heavenly Father doesn't love all of his children. For me, sitting in Sunday meetings and constantly hearing a message that I could never see myself a part of, was the tough part.

My personal journey consisted of being in the closet until about age 36. Prior to that I fasted and I prayed that heavenly father would take these gay feelings away. I suppose I was trying to "pray the gay away". That was a huge waste of time, in hindsight I think Heavenly Father probably wanted me to talk to him about far more important things.

Over the past five + years the comments from Church leaders has been softer, kinder and well, more Christian. I fully believe that any Church has the right to enforce a standard of living it feels appropriate to its position and understanding of the bible or other sacred text.

The challenge comes though when we move further down the leadership ladder, in my mind this is the 70, Regional, Stake and Ward leadership. Having read many gay LDS experiences on Facebook and other blogs there is a variety of implementations of the "rules". My own experience was a kind and loving Bishop who was empathetic to my situation and provided great care and love. Others have been dragged in front of High Councils and excommunicated.

While I appreciate there is room for "revelation" I understand that revelation can't go beyond what the LDS Church calls "The General Handbook of Instructions". This handbook is a guide and explanation for local lay leadership on how the "rules" are to be enforced.

Indoctrination

In a Facebook chat with a friend who recently had her name removed from the records of the Church, she talked about her new found freedom and the impact of what she referred to as "indoctrination". I've always felt this word conjures up a negative context. One aspect of the LDS Church that I have always liked is the direction that one has to discover for ones self the truthfulness of the gospel and an understanding that Joseph Smith saw what he claims to have seen.

Once we arrive at that position and believe what Joseph says, we're in a position to then make choices about how we live. If this is "indoctrination" well I can work with that. But as I said to my friend, we're all grown ups and we make our own choices. Personally, I have no recollection of being in a position where I was being forced to believe anything that was presented to me. For the record, I still believe, I just can't figure out where I fit into the Plan. For me, that doesn't mean the whole thing isn't true. I often reflect on Those of African descent and their inability to hold the priesthood, their faith was strong.

A Mixture of Ideas

In Australia we have a TV show called Q&A, the tag line is "Adventures in democracy". There's a host and a panel of usually five people, a mixture of politicians, comedians, journalists and other notable members of the community.

Last week the Anglican Archbishop of Sydney was on the show. The Anglican Church in Australia has recently made available to its members a wedding vow that includes the word "submit". It's in the context of a women submitting to her husband. Well, this didn't go down well with most of the panel, the audience and the onscreen tweets that happen during the show, it's live to air.

Coming from an LDS background and with I'd say a reasonable understanding of the New Testament, I understood the doctrinal foundation for the use of this word. It refers to Christ and how he laid down his life for the Church, if a husband behaves in the same fashion then a wife is in a position to submit to that concept and to her husband as he submits to Christ. Now in an ideal world this probably works fine. But where we have men who dominate, rule over and squander their role as husband an patriarch, the wife's  requirement to submit is null and void, I believe.

The reason I raise this is because with people's lack of understanding of the new testament they can misunderstand what is meant by submit. The imposition of Christian doctrine on those who don't adhere to a Christian faith makes no sense.

In this same program, the question of same sex marriage was raised. The Shadow Minister for Mental Health (Secretary in US terms) made a provocative statement about HIV AIDS and the life expectancy of gay men, an odd segue to say the least. There was an audible gasp from the studio audience that she would even go there. In Australia, HIV infections have been on the rise since around 2000. AIDS is actually on a decline for the same period was largely due to the introduction of effective combination antiretroviral therapy, which delays progression from HIV infection to AIDS.

The whole gay marriage debate seems like such a farce to me. Why are religious groups so anxious to impose their views on me and why are they so anxious to ensure that people who don't believe as they believe adhere to their view of the world. Joseph Smith said:

"We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." 

I think Mitt Romney would do well to reflect on this concept a little further.

So Many Views

For the gay latter-day saint who is looking to live a full and rich life, my personal belief is that this can't be done while trying to be an active member of the Church. I think it's damaging to their mental well being and will generally lead to more angst and anguish as they try to reconcile themselves to a way of living that doesn't fit who they are. It's kind of like a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn't work.

However, the are many aspects and teachings of the Church that are very worthy to continue as part of our lives. A Christ like view of others, removing judgement from our  interactions with others and generally being a good person. Our sexuality doesn't define who we are, it's simply part of the whole that makes us who we are. An attitude of service is great for the soul, giving of ourselves for the betterment of others is a great quality.

Well, I think I've rambled enough, hopefully I've made some sense. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

My Response To A Friend

A few weeks ago I had an email exchange with a good friend Thad. He'd asked me if I was gay and this was my response to him. You see, I live in Sydney, Australia and Thad lives in the US. The tyranny of distance means the written word is sometimes easier...

Hi Thad

Thanks for your message mate, it meant the world to me. With hindsight, I can look back to when I was a kid, perhaps as early as 11 or 12 and I knew I liked guys. But at that age I didn't really know what that meant, all I knew was that it was "wrong".

As I got older and then found the Church at 16, I found a framework I suppose that helped me make sense of the world. My feelings of homosexuality didn't really play a part in my learning about the Church, but it gave me a way to compartmentalise my feelings I suppose. Again, this was really happening at a sub conscious level I think.

While on my mission, I remember writing a page in my journal about being gay and what that might mean, but at that point I wasn't really able to say to myself that I was gay. At that stage I still don't think I really knew what that meant. Getting married in the Temple was the goal, and that wasn't going to happen if I was gay.

It probably wasn't until my late 20's that I actually said out loud in prayer one night "Heavenly Father I think I'm gay". It's amazing how you feel when you actually say something like that out loud, the brethren are right. Praying out loud works.

Then in 2007 I had an opportunity to work in the US for six months with Ersnt & Young. I was 35 and at a point where I determined that I had to figure this out, was a I gay or was I straight. Without giving you too many details (although I have a blog if you want the sordid details) I figured it out. Keep in mind this had been a topic of prayer for almost 20 years and I'd not got a response, either way. Intellectually I think I'd worked out I was gay, but until I actually connected the physical with the emotional, I just couldn't be sure. You're a doctor, so I'll add here that I was safe and sensible, and I left that interaction feeling uplifted, like a cloud had been removed. I got it, I understood why I felt the way I did.

I honestly understand what you may be thinking at this point from a church point of view, trust me, I went through the same feelings. I spent days and weeks reviewing my emotions, my thought processes etc. However, at no point did I feel guilty and that was an overriding feeling. Does it make sense though that i felt guilty about not feeling guilty!

Once I got home to Australia I realised I'd reached a point of no return. But what on earth was I to do? You need to know that for probably 15 years I had been praying and asking heavenly father for an inspired Bishop to ask me "Derek, are you gay?". I just figured that would easier than me initiating the "confession". While I didn't feel guilty, I knew that I had to talk to my Bishop and that there would be consequences. I was ok with that, my testimony was and is still place, I just couldn't figure out where I fitted into Heavenly Father's plan. I know he loves me and I know that some how things will work out, I just don't know how.

I've learnt that asking for things in prayer can be a little dangerous, because more often than not he delivers. Some background. I had some pictures on my iMac of some underwear models, I thought these guys were hot. Of course I'd make sure the screen saver was changed when I had guests over, the iMac was in living room for all to see. Well, they did see. I had the Elders over for dinner one night and well, you can imagine what happened. Nothing was said, I turned the iMac off after I realised what I thought the Elders probably had seen.

Then comes the phone call from Bishop, he wanted to see me. You see, my prayers had been answered, not quite in the way I'd wanted, but we generally can't prescribe exactly how we want things to happen to Heavenly Father.

What followed was probably one of the most intense meetings with a Bishop in my life. Everything came out, although I may have held back a little of my "exploits" while in the US. The volume of my exploits made little difference at this point.

Bishop was full of love, understanding, compassion and respect. I took my Temple Recomend with me, I knew he'd want it. I balled and sobbed in that meeting, 35 years of stress came out in a 2 hour meeting.

Then, about four months later I moved out of the ward and stopped going to Church. The hardest thing was disposing of my garments, I'd stopped wearing them months earlier. 

Then about three years ago I met a guy, he's Persian. I fell in love and we've been together since. My close friends at Church here in Sydney have been wonderful, they love me and love him. They've been accepting and have been a great support. The coming out process was hard, really hard, but it's been worth it.

I've discovered a community of gay LDS lads here in Sydney and they've been a wonderful support too. We have a Facebook group "gay LDS Aussies" and we meet regularly. I've taken over as the administrator of that page and communicate with gay LDS folks all over the world. In many cases offering them support as they work through their sexuality and what that means in a church context.

I harbour no I'll feelings towards the Church, although you're right, they've certainly said some very hurtful things. I'm not sure if you can connect those statements to gay LDS youth and YSA as reasons for their suicide, but they sure as hell don't help. You're right, the Church has softened it's rhetoric which is a good things and there are many LDS groups who are supportive of their gay sons, daughters and family members.

I really don't know how gay LDS can contribute and be a part of a ward, it just doesn't work. When the only option you have is to be celibate for the rest of your life, that's a very sad outlook. Sitting in Church week after week, month after month essentially hearing that who you are is wrong and not in accordance with Heavenly Fathers plan, well, it just sucks and it hurts. 

That was the main issue I had, as I said before, I just couldn't work out where I fitted in.

So there you have it, you're as up to date with me as I am 

Thad, I've always thought so highly of you and the person you are. Your thoughtful, considerate and kind, truly the kind of priesthood holder the Church needs more of. Maybe one day you'll be a Bishop and find yourself in the same position as my Bishop. The greatest impact you can have is to perhaps stand up for the silent voices of the gay members in your ward, I'm sure they're there, we're everywhere be the voice of love and compassion.

It's Sunday over here and I'm sitting at my local cafe downstairs from my apartment writing to you on my iPad. It's a magnificent winters day, blue skies, sunshine and a subtle chill in the air. 

Thank you for taking the initiative to write, perhaps you are the answer to my prayers.

Love 

db

A Personal Email from a Good Friend

I got a message on facebook from a good friend of mine. We served together in the mission field in the early 1990's. For the non-LDS reading this, you've probably seen Mormon missionaries around your neighbourhood at some point, that was me :-)

My friend sent this message through this past week. I've removed his name for his privacy.

_________________________________________________________________________

Derek,

First of all, I've been thinking about this on and off for years, so I hope you understand that I wouldn't write this with the intent of being flippant or... I don't know. I've never written something like this, don't know how to address it, so I'm stumbling a lot.

Anyway, here goes. I have been reading a book recently, but over the past few years, for some reason I have been really engaged, almost "driven" to learn, read, ponder, and pray about issues with sexuality. I would think that a person would be more interested if they were experiencing/dealing with personal issues on the subject, but I have sometimes felt "impelled" to try and understand this topic more. I am grateful that in recent times, the leadership of the church has also been inspired to address this issue in their public statements, and express compassion about the difficult struggle and nature of those who deal with same-gender attraction.

So I'm continuing to ramble. This is the thing. I know I shouldn't assume, and I don't even know if I've created the sense for those around me that I am trying so hard to understand, empathize, and be a listening ear to others who live in a world (the church) where they feel as an outsider because of deeply set feelings that they struggle to understand. I want to be; I can't relate to them personally, exactly, but I can appreciate the depth of despair that I could imagine would come to someone in a situation like this.

Again, rambling... Derek, are you gay? I hope this question doesn't offend you, and I sincerely apologize if it does. The book I'm reading discussing a mother's experience with her son struggling with this, and eventually taking his life because he couldn't reconcile a life in keeping with his faith, and continuing to have the feelings and urges he had. I don't want anyone to have to feel that alone that the decision to take their life would be the only option they felt that they had. So I'm taking a risk with you, a dear friend to me despite our geographic distance. If I'm wrong, I hope you'll forgive me. If this is an issue for you, I want you to know that I love you, you are my brother, my friend, and if there is anything I can do to... well, whatever, please let me know. I don't have any answers, I'm not sure I know what I could do to help, but can tell you that I respect you a lot, you're are and have been a great example to me, and I think the world of you. That, to me, defines you far more than an issue like same gender attraction--it's really irrelevant in my mind in the context of you as a person, though I realize that in the practice of your life, it may be a constant issue that you have to address, so I don't mean to minimize it.

Okay, so it's out there, and again, please forgive me if I'm totally wrong on this--but I can't bear to think that anyone should have to suffer alone, in silence about this issue, and I hope to be a part of helping others in and out of the church to be more empathetic and compassionate towards others, and creating an environment of true love within our church so that anyone can feel accepted and loved within our faith, and truly feel that it is a place where they can find not judgment and scrutiny, but love and healing, or at least some measure of peace and solace.

Love you,

A Friend.

_________________________________________________________________________

You see, there are good Latter-day Saints and other Christians out there who try to live their faith. I think we need to have a little more faith in our Christian families and friends.

Archbishop’s letter ‘Redefining Marriage’

This past Sunday, a coalition of Churches in Australia had letters read to them from the pulpit. I'm unsure if the LDS Church in Australia participated in this same program.

Dr. Peter F. Jensen, Anglican Archbishop, Sydney, Australia

Dr. Peter F. Jensen, Archbishop of the Anglican (Church of England) in Australia issued this letter. In response, I sent him the letter below:

Good Morning Sir

I write the following with the fullest degree of respect for you, your Church and your position on gay marriage.

At the age of 16 I was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I appreciate that this of itself may cause you to have some doctrinal issues with my faith, but as a Christian I trust you can take it in face value.

At 19 I left home for my two year mission. It was an amazing experience, I spoke with hundreds of people and shared the message of the birth, death and resurrection of the Saviour. I taught of his redeeming love and the mercy of his atonement.

From about the age of 12 I had feelings for boys which I knew was not right in the eyes of the Church and for most in society. I prayed and prayed and at times fasted for help from Heavenly Father to remove these feelings from me.

As a young man in my 20's these feelings continued and finally at the age of 36 I resigned myself to the belief that gay was a part of who I was. I promise you it was not a choice that I'd made at some point to be gay. I would suggest that having been in the gay community for some time now there is a small group who do make that choice. However it's not my role to place judgement upon those people.

As with all Christians, the LDS perspective on marriage is one of sanctity and reverence. You may be aware that LDS doctrine teaches that marriage is of an eternal nature and one that is required to enter the highest degree of glory in the next life. Again, your doctrinal view will be different, but I share it here only to convey my respect and reverence for the institution of marriage.

In the final years before I "came out" I remember stirring some vigorous discussions in Sunday meetings around the issue of homosexuality and the institution of the family. At the end of the day, all gay people belong to a family. That family may have had a mother and father, or in many cases a single parent.

While LDS Church leadership has made statements like "homosexuality is the greatest threat to the family" and "gay marriage is the beginning of the end of the family" I was never able to get anyone to articulate clearly, exactly why that was the case. I personally feel that alcohol, drugs, abusive fathers and poor financial management are a greater threat to families than the actions of homosexual couples who may be our neighbours.

In my extensive reading on the topic of "gay marriage" I've come across many views. I'm supportive of the view that in no way should Churches be forced to facilitate a marriage between couples of the same sex. As I've shared with my friends, why would I want to share such a happy occasion with a body who despise my very existence. I would personally rally with you should there ever be a hint of government imposing such a law on Churches. Just as I claim protection under law for my rights, so Churches should be able to claim the same right.

But, is marriage a religious claim?

I don't believe it is. The current argument is a political one. If the Christian lobby feel so strongly against gay marriage, why are they not so zealous in suggesting that Muslim, Jewish, Hindu etc marriage also not be recognized? Because this is about denying gay people the ability to marry, not to protect the institution of marriage itself.

Can I propose a solution?

Perhaps government needs to remove itself from the business of "marriage".  "Marriage" is the domain of religious bodies. Government should only be able to issue licenses for Civil Unions while Churches issue certificates of marriage. This would be a fair and equitable approach, providing the same legal stance for all citizens under the law.

What about the children?

This is possibly one of the biggest issues and one which has caused great pain for many people in the gay community. The inference being that they are somehow less of a parent because their partner is of the same gender. The Christian lobby talk of the requirement for a child to have a mother and a father. 

No mention is ever made of the army of single parents who provide a warm and loving environment for their children. I grew up in such a home and have never felt I missed out when it came to volume of love a child should have in their life.

For those gay couples who adopt a child, there's perhaps only one source, dysfunctional heterosexual couples who have surrendered their responsibility of parenthood.

In Closing

I'm confident my position hasn't changed your views, but I hope it shows you there are people in the gay community who can have a civilised discussion on this heated topic.

As the debate commences in federal parliament today I hope all parties can behave in a dignified way.

Sincerely 

Derek Bell

Mascot, NSW, Australia

Love is Sweet!

A Weekend Away Warms the Heart

My partner and I went to Melbourne this weekend to celebrate with some friends who are opening a new retail food store. The store opens in two weeks. I went down Friday morning and spent the day with a client and my partner flew down Friday night.

We stayed at the Sofitel Hotel on Collins street, what the locals call the "Paris End of Collins". It's a beautiful part of Melbourne. He got in late and was starving, so we found ourselves having room service at midnight, a cheeseburger and a club sandwich and sticky date pudding for dessert. 

Armie Hammer & Leonardo Di Caprio in a scene from J. Edgar the movie.

We watched a movie, well I did after he fell asleep in the opening scene of "J. Edgar" with Leonardo Dicaprio - how he could fall alseep with such eye candy on screen is beyond me!

Saturday Morning

The hotel had wooden shutters which we closed before going to bed which meant we didn't wake until 10:45am, the room was so dark, it was wonderful. We then headed out to Camberwell to see our friends store. We found a nice cafe, had lunch with our friend which interrupted his plastering at the store.

We then wondered down Burke Road, Camberwell did some completely unnecessary shopping and headed back to the Sofitel. Dinner was at 7pm, literally behind the hotel. We had an amazing evening, plenty of cocktails and the food was fabulous.

Sunday Morning

We woke Sunday morning, a little earlier this time. We had some breakfast and headed out to a friends place for a scrumptious mexican lunch and then off to the airport for our 5pm flight home to Sydney.

You see, the simple pleasure of a relationship are worth so much more than all the money in the world. I'm lucky to be in a relationship with an amazing man whom I adore and love. Live is good and for those who are not there yet, it really does get better.

There Has To Be A Better Way

The ability of a nation to present itself as progressive and modern can be a task harder than perhaps originally thought. By what measures and against which values system can a nation choose to align itself? For the West, we largely base our values on those of the Jewish and Christian biblical texts of which Moses's Ten Commandments are the basis.

As we look into recent history, those values seem to have served us well. Our societies live in relative peace despite the current disruption based on the poor fiscal management of our governments, businesses and of course individuals are required to saddle some of the blame. It's individuals, like government and business, who have overspent and lived beyond our means. It's a simple equation, we really shouldn't spend more than we have i.e. credit.

Bad Legislation

In the US and Australia we have political parties who are generally aligned on a single values system, but worlds apart when it comes to implementing systems and polices that interpret those values. In the US we've seen paranoid state governments attempt to legislate that Islamic law, Sharia Law, cannot be recognised as a legitimate legal system. It creates issues from the point of view that, for example, Catholicism is a foreign faith based in Italy. From a legal point of view this stance is a mine field.

Producing legislation based on a paranoid view of a minority is dangerous. On the 27th October, 1838 the US state of Missouri and their Governor Boggs issued “Missouri Executive Order 44” also know as the “Mormon Extermination Order”. The law called for the extermination of Mormons, it was legal to kill members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That law was finally repealed in the 1976, 138 years later. I'm sure US President hopeful Mitt Romney feels comfortable visiting Missouri today in the knowledge it's now illegal for someone to kill him!

So mistakes have been made, bad legislation produces bad outcomes for society. In Australia, governments are fixated on creating programs that benefit "families", at least their interpretation of what constitutes a family. As a single, white, gay man there are really no benefits I receive from the Australian government. Should I? Well, my answer is based partially on my political views and my belief that governments role is to represent all it's constituents fairly.

The Absence of Fairness Across the Board

I firmly believe that as we all pay taxes, any benefit should be made available to all tax payers. If a couple earn $280,000 and have four kids, should they receive less benefit from the government compared to a couple with four kids who earn $80,000? I don't think so. Australia's tax regime does a great job of killing any desire by one person to excel in their work and produce a higher income. The more you earn, the greater percentage of your income goes in tax. Hardly an incentive.

It's here I would turn to some ancient values from the Jewish biblical texts which suggest 10% of ones earnings go to the Lord. I’ve seen this model work well in a Church setting, it creates a level playing field, regardless of our income, we can all pay 10% to the government in tax. Then, those who choose, can pay an additional 10% to their Lord, maker or whomever they choose.

I think this level playing field would then make any benefit payments from government i.e. from a surplus, easier to distribute to all citizens. I would love to see the figure of how such a fiscal change could be implemented. In principle I think this is a great idea, in practice I'd need an economist to do the numbers to see how it could work. At the end of the day a surplus belongs to the people who produced it, the people, not the government.

Presenting Ourselves As Something Other Than We Really Are

I struggle to understand the US view on many political issues, the disdain and enmity towards opposing political views is toxic, Australia is not much better today. Health care is a great example of this. From a nation purporting itself to be a Christian nation, the words and venom sprouted about what's seen by many in the US as socialised medicine, is appalling. The notion that a family who can't afford private medical insurance should suffer the consequences of illness, is reprehensible. I would simply ask these "Christians", what would Christ do?

The American predisposition to run in the opposite direction of anything that resembles socialism is astounding. The question has to be asked, “how's your current republic serving you?”. An advanced society should be able to look to alternatives and seek new ideas when the current system has obvious shortcomings.

A Balance

Just so we're clear, my view is that our Westminster system of government with it's constitutional ties to the British Monarchy is the best system of government we have available today. The checks and balances and the role of the monarchy provide a stable platform for democracy to thrive. Can we do better? I'm sure we can, but there seems to be an absence of anything better today. 

I admire the US/French style of government, but disagree with the Presidential model and the process of the presidential selection process. The current US presidential race costs billions and who does it serve besides media companies and the many consultants involved in the process?

Australia was formed as a federation of states with an Act of Parliament, the US lost hundreds of thousands during the American Revolutionary War and then the Civil War. Something many American’s seem to lose sight of when they point the finger at developing nations around the world where they insist in getting involved based on perceived US domestic security threats.

What Does It All Mean?

At the end of the day, I firmly believe we have great room for improvement. All nations and the many communities within those nations have a responsibility to afford all citizens the right and privilege of peace and security without any threat based on their faith, the colour of their skin, their sexual orientation or their religious affiliations.

What do you think?

One of These Kids Will Grow Up To Be Fabulous

I Cried Laughing

Last night my partner showed me the photo below which he had stumbled across on someone's facebook page. Without even reading the text I almost suffocated laughing. Once I read the text and looked at the faces of the boys to his left and right, I laughed even harder.

I think what I liked about this was the complete absence of any gay hate text and just a kid being embraced for who he is. I think I also see a little of myself, I'm not sure I was quite that "fabulous" when I was his age - but I probably felt it inside.

Won't it be a good day when we can just embrace people, especially kids, for who they are and not through what we expect them to be. If you know any kids like this little fella, let them know that when they grow up, they're also going to be fabulous.

The Gay Marriage Debate Continues

The Media Reporting Cycle

Over a few of my past blogs, I've shared my views on gay marriage and shared with you some of the letters I've written to my elected officials. It seems over the past twelve months, from my own observations, there is barley a news cycle go by that the gay marriage debate is not mentioned in some way or another.

We have a TV current affairs show in Australia called "ABC Australia - Q&A" (Google "QANDA ABC"). The shows tag line is "Adventures in Democracy". It's a great show and generally has a political bent to it, but not always. On Monday evening, May 14th, 2012 they had Penny Wong - Federal Minister for Finance & Deregulation on the show. She and her partner have recently had a child, however I should point out Ms Wong does not flaunt her sexuality to the media, in this instance, she's a private women.

Whenever she's on QandA there are tweets across the bottom of the screen "Wong for Primeminister". She's a very cool operator, decisive, clear when she speaks and certainly has an air of authority. The challenge came in the show recently where a question from the studio audience asked one of the other panellists, from the opposition party, how his wife and children seem to be more of a family than Minister Wong's. (See the youtube video below with an excerpt from the show)

You could see he was uncomfortable with the question, his response was the usual rhetoric that a child's best chance for success was by having a mother and a father, not two mummies or two daddies. I always feel bad for the single mothers in this debate, while never mentioned, they're quietly told that their family is also not ideal.

Amongst her response, Minister Wong said "I know what my family is worth". There could be no real additional comment to that statement and as timining would have it, that was the end of the show. The media picked up on that statement as did some enterprising individuals.

You can buy t-shirts on line with the statement and I imagine mugs, coasters etc within a short period of time. While our ability to love those whom we love and to possibly marry those whom we love is the desired state of some in the gay community, for others it doesn't seem to matter.

I think most of us want the same legal rights as heterosexual couples and especially the safeguards that come with that legal position for our children, the tag of "marriage" is perhaps not as eagerly sought after. The straight folks don't seem to have done so well with the institution of marriage, divorce rates, general levels of happiness etc. Are we sure that's what we want?

My Letter to Australian Prime Minister - Julia Gillard

Prime Minister Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia

This morning as I sat at my local cafe, wearing my A&F hoodie and with a blue wool scarf wrapped around my neck because it was so cold, I decided to write an email to Prime Minister Gillard in relation to an article in today's Sun-Herald newspaper. 

For my readers outside Australia, Prime Minister (PM) Gillard is Australia's first female PM. She's living in a defacto relationship and has no children, she's a lawyer and politician. A common mix. That background will help in relation to my comments below.

Good Morning PM,

It seems Major General Angus Houston is far ahead of your government in his acceptance of the gay community. I'm at a point where I simply don't understand why you do and say the things you do. While I absolutely respect your opinion as a private citizen on the matter of same sex marriage, I absolutely don't support your view as my PM.

Your stand against me, my friends and those I love is nothing more than bigotry and a denial of what I believe is my right that you and the opposition seem adamant to enforce. If the ADF, the bastion of all things macho can, for the past 20 years, be accepting of the gay community, why on earth is it such a struggle for you.

The hypocrisy of your own living arrangements makes your stand even more of a joke. Let me be clear, I personally don't care who you live with and the circumstances under which you live - that's your right afforded by law. But, in part, to align your views with those of the conservative Church community while "living in sin" is unfathomable to me.

I'm not 100% clear on what moral ground you base your opinions about same sex marriage. The media tell us you're an atheist, that's cool. But any humanist view would typically be open to same sex marriage. But are you a humanist? I don't know!

You're now in a minority more aligned with leaders of backward African and Middle Eastern countries on the subject of same sex marriage. Please don't defend your position by espousing the changes to legislation that gave gay folks many of the rights as straight folk, personally I thought that legislation was a joke. It missed the key point of providing equality for all Australians.

Well, that's my thoughts for the day. Like so much of what your government has done, your stance seems to be about clinging to power and not being the leader of a great democracy where the citizens of this nation are heard and their voices are respected.

Sincerely

Derek

For US readers, you may enjoy this "tongue in cheek" editorial from one of Australia's journalists - Annabel Crabb. "Time we call came out of the closet" in response to President Obama's recent comments about gay marriage. 

"Familes are Families" - Chief of Defence Force, Air Chief Marshal Angus Houston: Australian Defence Force

This year marks 20 years since the Government of Australian Primeminister Keating lifted the ban on gays serving in th Australian Defence force. It's taken time for that change to become culturally accepted, but changes along the way have helped.

As head of the Australian Defence Force (ADF), Major General Angus Houston said in 2005 "Familes are Familes". This opened the way for gay and straight defacto couples to become entitled to relocation funding, compensation and superannuation (401k). It's seems the ADF is far ahead of the current Gillard Government in recognizing gay couples and their rights. In today's Sun Herald newspaper there's a two page spread titled "Gays in the Military". Sounds like a play on words from the Little Britain skit "I'm the only gay in the village".

I have friends serving in the ADF, only straight that I know of. On occasion I've socialised with these guys and girls, they're outstanding people. I've always had a high level of respect for anyone who would volunteer to take up arms and potentially put their life on the line for their fellow countrymen and, it what seems the case in modern warfare, defend those who can't defend themselves i.e.Iraq, Afhganistan etc.

I describe this as an "inflated level of respect and even reverence". To give you an idea, did you ever watch the West Wing? In a few episodes President Bartlettt would have to make a phone call at the end of the episode to a family who's son or daughter had been killed in a military operation. I would be brought to tears as he went through that process, he afforded the deceased soldier, I thought, the greatest level of respect by making that phone call. Yeah I know, maybe I'm a sap, but it's more than simply liking men in uniform I assure you :-)

Second Class Citizens 

My partner and I have been together for three years, that's a long time in any relationship these days. I love my partner mor than words can express, he's my oxygen, I think of him every day, I love all aspects of who he is as a person. I'm lucky to have a family that are open to our relationship and care for him as I do. Mum (mom for you Yankee readers) has asked from time to time about marriage.

At this point I gently remind her that it's illegal in Australia for gays to be married. She suggests that a commitment ceremony would be nice. I'm adamant that I will not partipate in a ceremony that I believe reinforces my status as a second class citizen. Until I can be married to the man I love and I'm afforded the rights associated with that union from law, I won't do it. What do you think? I'm cool with other gay folk who want to do this, but it's not what I want to do.

"I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay"

A Brave Young Man (This is a Stock Image I think)

A Great Blog To Share with Str8 Parents Who Hold Onto Hate

I came across this blog which a friend had posted to his facebook wall this morning. It's a great story about one very brave young man living in a very conservative Christian neighbourhood. It could be Provo, it could be Sandy or Salt Lake City. Take a moment to read the blog. It's also a good story to share with any parents that you know may be struggling with their child's sexuality.

Read Responses to the his blog here. The original blog post "I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay" was posted by Dan 14 November, 2011.

Single Day Laughing

You can read all about Dan Pearce and his son Noah at his Blog "Single Dad Laughing". He's seems like an awesome Str8 guy, with a beautiful son and is compassionate to all sorts of people. The world seems a better place with people like Dan.

NOTE: I included a link in the image above to the Blog, but Blogger does not seem to like this, it links to an error page. Sorry, I'm not sure why that's the case.