A Sad Day

An Elegant Lady 

I had a call from my old Bishop on Sunday evening, he called to tell me that Sister Williams had passed away. Sister Williams was in her 70's, a beautiful, elegant Maori sister from New Zealand. She was a classy lady, sharp and very active.


She'd had two liver transplants in her life and it was cancer that finally took her life. I met her 20 years ago when I first moved to the Sydney and I'd been in her Ward on and off over the years. I'd been her Home Teacher and then when I was ordained a High Priest, we again met more regularly as she was a single older sister. High Priests have a responsibility over this group of sisters within the ward.

The Opportunity Being

This means I have a funeral to attend this week. It's been just over two years since I stopped going to Church, I've been once to attend a good friend's daughters baptism. The challenge or opportunity here is that I will see a group of people whom I care about, but have exiled myself from for the past two years albeit facebook updates and the odd email.


At this stage, anyone I really care about knows I'm gay and most probably know I'm in a relationship with a fabulous guy. "Fabulous" being my word, probably not theirs.

Added Complication

I'm really bad at funerals, by that I mean I could attend a strangers funeral and cry like a baby. I'm shocking. After the phone call on Sunday from my old Bishop, I sent an SMS (text message) and a few facebook updates to mutual friends who are not in Sydney. I thought they'd want to know about Sister Williams.


A friend from Melbourne called, the mother of some friends. She had been friends with Sister Williams for almost 40 years, they knew and loved her and they also love me. When this sister called, I lost it. I balled on the phone like a baby. She had said that just three weeks ago she was talking with Sister Williams and she mentioned me. She said "I wish Derek was still here, I miss him, he was always so kind to me and helpful".


That's what set me off. You see about two months ago a friend contacted me and said Sister Williams was asking after me and that I should call her. Like many of you, meeting up with members of the Church once you've made your "coming out" a reality can be difficult. This was difficult. You can imagine how I felt.


However, the call from my friend in Melbourne and her passing on the comments from Sister Williams meant the world to me.

A Lesson Learnt

There are people out there whom I love, who I've shared life experiences with that I've separated myself from. I don't want to feel again the feelings I felt when Bishop called, the feeling that I'd missed a chance to tell someone that I love them. It's not so much about "coming out" to them, it's just reengaging with them and behaving as friends behave.

Life's too short, get out there and tell those important to you that you love them. At the same time, you need to keep your expectations in check about how they'll respond given your sexuality.  

Mitt Romney, Barack Obama - Mormon and Gay

I've been watching the US election build up from Australia. I have an app on the iPad from USA Today with loads of great graphs and numbers. I think we all sighed with relief with Santorum dropped out of the race this week, he terrified me.


I saw today that Santorum bought his three daughter a life time membership to the NRA! What the... There aren't words to describe the type of person that in some way thought their three year old daughter would love something like that.


In the USA Today iPad app I read a story of the genealogy of Romney and Obama. Both have polygamists on their past. How hysterical is that! Obama's ancestors from Africa had a number of wires, in fact I think it said his great grandfather married a pair of sisters, among the many wives. Nine in total I think.

 

So as we are almost ready to stare down the barrel of a two man race to the White House, both have polygamists in their past, one is filthy rich, the other is doing ok, one is white, one is blackish, one is a conservative LDS member, the other is a more mainstream Christian.


Besides all these differences, which I really don't care about, it's their view on discrimination in the workplace that bothers me today. Tomorrow it will be something else, but today I read how Obama look like he's not going to sign the Executive Order Banning LGBT Workplace Discrimination.


What sort of a message does this send to young gay people, it's outrageous. It's like saying:

"You've been picked on at school and no one protected you, welcome to the workplace. Someone can pick on you and you still won't have any protection, you're gay, you don't matter to society"

OUTRAGEOUS!


In Australia when I feel things are not as they should be, I write to my local member of parliament. For those in the US, I suppose this means writing to your congressman. I'd encourage you to do so.

Connecting Via Facebook

A few years ago, an LDS guy here in Sydney started a facebook page called "Aussie Gay Mormons". He decided to "leave" facebook last year and asked if I wanted to take over as the administrator of that page.


Sure, I'm on facebook most days sharing insights into my view of the world and sharing photographs etc from road trips. Why not.


As I watched some of the videos from the guys and gals at BYU - the "It Gets Better" campaign, I was inspired that they mentioned how social media and blogs were one way that they were able to discover that they weren't alone.


So, our little facebook group plods along. We have highs and lows of activity amongst the group. I'm now motivated to do more and try and get the group more engaged. Really, it's about providing an opportunity for those who want to reach out and talk with someone. We have a group of guys and a few girls who have been through the coming out process and can offer and LDS view into being gay.


Feel free to look for us on facebook.

BYU Students Come Out On Campus

WOW!

These kids are brave, good on them. I've included a few links below to some of these amazing guys and gals who have come out to help you understand that it really does get better.


You can watch John Patrick share his very Utah LDS Gay experience:





Here's some links to some other amazing LDS guys and gals.


It Gets Better BYU - Nathan C.

It Gets Better BYU - Heather

It Gets Better BYU - Adam


Show your support for these guys, login to YouTube and say thank you.

"You're welcome to come along"

A close girlfriend and I drove down to Canberra on Thursday to spend a couple of days with her brother for Easter. I had to be back Saturday night so I'd be here to pick up my man from his overseas holiday Sunday morning.


She has an old friend in Canberra, they served together for six months in the mission field. The friend knows I'm gay and also knows that my friend is less active. I dropped her off Friday afternoon then went for a drive around Canberra to find a cafe, read, blog and then pick her up a few hours later.


When I arrived to pick her up, her girlfriend and her husband greeted me at the door. There was some polite conversation and I could see they were off to Church for what I assumed was an Easter fireside on Good Friday. She and her husband were dressed for Church.


What happened next was something that I'd done many many times myself in the past when meeting less active members of the Church. She said "You're welcome to join us if you'd like". There was no malice, no mean spirit, if anything a little humour because I think she knew what the response would be.


What struck me though was that I was identified as a less active Church member. I hadn't really thought of myself like that before, so this was a new experience. It's been two and half years since I stopped going to Church, besides a close friend's child's baptism, I've not stepped inside an LDS chapel since. It hasn't been a conscious decision to not step in a Church, there just hasn't been a reason to do so.


How did I feel? Nothing much really, it just caused me to reflect a little. My girlfriend had watched the recent April 2012 General Conference and suggested I take a look at Elder Uchtdorf's talk. He talks of mercy and as has been my experience, many LDS folks don't seem to get mercy. He also cites a bumper sticker he saw which said:

"Don't judge me because I sin differently to you".

What a great sticker. As I've said in my blog previously, I've been richly blessed with wonderful LDS friends who have not judged and have loved me for who I am. However I read many blogs from Gay LDS members in the US and other parts of the world. However the US seems to be the worst, I wish all Gay LDS could move to Australia, life is good. It really does get better.

Distance Does Make The Heart Grow Fonder

My partner went home to Iran two and a half weeks ago, he's due home this coming Easter Sunday. We've emailed almost daily and had a Skype chat or two.


I've managed to keep myself busy, work has been very busy and I managed to arrange dinner dates with friends to distract myself in his absence.


The thing I hate the most is going to bed alone, which generally translates to me staying up and watching tv or working and going to bed as I fall asleep on my keyboard or on the couch.


Mum came to visit for 6 days last week, it was great to have her in town. She and my partner get along really well which means so much to me.


I had a friend stay over last night, he's heading home to Canada for a few weeks. He lives about an hour by train from the airport. We're literally 2 min train ride to the airport. So staying over here last night meant he could get up at a reasonable hour and be at the airport in minutes.


His partner dropped in to say hi, it was the first time I've met him. He's a dashingly handsome Colombian.


This weekend I'm heading to Canberra, the national capital, with a girlfriend and we'll stay with her brother. Then home Saturday night so I'm here in time to pick up my man when he arrives home at 6:30am Sunday from the Middle East.


So three weeks of being alone will be replaced with the familiar sounds of my partner being home. Being in a relationship with someone you love is worth more than I can express.


If this is something you're pondering, don't wait until your mid thirties like I did, grab life with two hands and grab that someone you love with both hands and take a chance. It's worth the outcome.


One other thing. The coming out process has been so much easier than I thought. I have a good friend, his wife and daughters coming to visit from Melbourne this Easter weekend. I finally came out to them on a business trip to Melbourne a few months ago. They were cool, they want to meet my partner, so we're catching up this Easter weekend.


Of all my LDS (Mormon) friends, whom I've come out to, have been supportive of me and my decision. I've been so lucky, but at the same time these are people I've loved and cared for over many years. Should my sexuality change that relationship? I don't think so.


Please share your experiences so anyone else reading this blog may gain some insight into the coming out process.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

On Friday my partner flew home to the Middle East, he's gone for three weeks. He hasn't been home for two years, so seeing family will be extra special this visit. In addition his grandmother passed away a few months ago, so this visit will be tinged with sadness.


I'm missing him already, in addition I have a toothache which I'm sure is going to result in an extraction.


The pain killers and the odd G&T are helping keep the discomfort at bay until I can get to the dentist on Monday.


From time to time I question the level of my love for my partner, I think this is more about self doubt than anything else. I had this conversation many years ago with a close family friend, almost my second mother. I told her I couldn't understand why someone would love me like a lover should.


She responded that I deserve that love and that anyone would be lucky to have me. That was nice for my ego, but it reinforced for me that I deserve all the love possible that comes from a relationship.


That my life has played out in such a way that I'm lucky enough to find a man to love and to be loved in return, means the world to me.


I'm at a point in my life where I feel I deserve that love and enjoy the ability to give that love.


So, with my partner away I remain here at home confident in the love I have for him and he for me.