I've Moved in with my Man

Hi everyone


My partner and I have finally made the move and found an apartment for us to call home. We're now 25 mins from work, close to the Sydney downtown area and close to Sydney Airport. The move was pretty seamless, we got movers to help us with the heavy stuff. My partner was overwhelmed with the amount of 'stuff' I have. I've managed to throw quote a bit away, which is always a good thing.


Living with a room-mate/flat-mate is not new, but sharing the bed and moving into a home with my lover is a whole new experience. I'm loving it! There's been some compromise, but it's all good. I'm finding that making sacrifices for someone that you love is a really nice process.


As we made the few ritualistic trips to IKEA to find those very specific storage solutions, coming home we had to put them together. As we were on the floor assembling IKEA shelves, I looked to my partner and I said, "two is really so much nicer than one". On the surface, assembling IKEA with two is really so much easier than one. But, for many other reasons, two is really so much nicer than one.

R U LDS? Will you take my Survey?

Hi Everyone,


A number of months ago I posted a message inviting Gay LDS (Mormon's) to participate in a survey that I'm conducting to support a book I'm writing.


The response has been great and reading your comments has at times been heart wrenching - thank you for being so honest and open in your comments.


I wanted to post the link here again for those that may not have taken the survey. It's only 10 questions and will take you no more than 6 minutes to complete. It's anonymous and I'll have no idea who you are unless you include your name and email in the comments field.


I need to get at least 20 more responses. If you know any gay LDS who you feel might be happy to answer a few questions, you'd make my day if you'd share the link or this blog with them.


Thanks for your help and as promised I'll publish the initial results and review here on the blog within the next few months pending me getting the right number of responses.


Simply click here to complete the survey.


Thank you


db

My Boyfriend, Christmas and the Family!

Hi everyone - it's late, a long day at work and for some reason I feel like blogging - nuts! But, I have some things to share. As Dan Savage says, "it really does get better".

This past Christmas, my partner and I went to spend Christmas with my mum, my sister and her family and my extended family. Mum and my partner have met a number of times before and they adore each other, that's awesome. It warms my heart that they're so close - it makes me a little nervous too :-)

However, it was the first time my sister, her husband the four kids and the extended family met him. I was a little nervous for him and also for myself. But, I had no reason to be, everyone was so cool. It was as though he'd been a part of the family forever. I was relieved and overjoyed.

Just this past week, I was on SKYPE with my 8 year old niece and she asked after my partner. "Is he there?" she said. No was the answer, we don't live together yet. She was adorable that she would think to ask after him. Ok, I'm a sap, I had a little tear in my eye.

At the end of next month we're moving into together. We found a fabulous brand new apartment just south of Sydney CBD (city) and we're very excited. I'm looking forward to building a home with the man I love. Corny perhaps, but I'm really excited.

Here I am, 39 years old and excited that I'm moving in with my boyfriend, my partner and my lover. He's never had a flat mate or room mate before, that may be a challenge in itself. But I can't wait. We want to do all the silly gay things you'd expect, decorate, coordinate, buy a King size bed, have matching towels etc etc.

So, if you're a teenager and your'e struggling with your sexuality. I promise you, it really does get better. You don't have to wait until you're 39 like me. As soon as I left high school it got better.

Please share your experiences with family meeting your partners so others can see that it doesn't have to be a nightmare experience.

DADT - A National Joke

Don't Ask Don't Tell

Perhaps I'm too young, but I really don't know what the policy was in the US Armed Forces before Clinton introduced Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT). I assume it wasn't a good thing, at least DADT allowed gay service men and women to have ownership over outing themselves.

But that was a long time ago, it's 2010 and most civilised societies have realised that gay service men and women have no impact on their straight colleagues. Australia, The U.K., Israel, New Zealand and a number of other countries have had their gay and straight service men and women mixing for many years. Their military forces haven't been depleted, their societies haven't collapsed.

I think this cartoon explains so well how stupid the DADT policy is.

I'm sure as service men and women go into battle it's critical they know that the person next to them is gay. Come on USA, join with the rest of the civilised world, repeal DADT and while your'e at it you need to get rid of capital punishment. You're really hanging with the wrong crowd on that one.

Why are people so blinded by things that don't concern them?

For the last few months and I suppose for me the last three to four years, I have been reading as much as I can about the the issue of homosexuality in our various communities.

Much of the noise and hatred seems to come from the loud minorities within the far right wing Christian community. The US seems to lead that charge, but here in Australia we also have a loud minority.

As I move on this journey of my own and slowly reveal my true self to more and more of my friends, it's almost a non event. All of the fear I had about the coming out journey, family, friends, work colleagues etc seems to have been for nought.

I recently travelled interstate for my brother-in-law's 50th birthday bash. Over the years I've met many of my sister's friends and we often catch up when ever I visit. At least four of my sister's girlfriends came up to me during the party and said how proud they were of me. I was taken aback by their openness, generosity and kindness.

Don't get me wrong, there are friends I've not "come out" to yet, but I'm confident they may have found out from someone else. That's not he ideal scenario, but it's very difficult to announce to everyone at the same time you've decided to come out. Ok, facebook may be an option, but not for me. I blog instead :-)

My point is that I see a disconnect between the loud rhetoric form the Christian right and the people I know. Coming from an LDS (Mormon) Church background I have enough friends I may have assumed where right wing. I'm discovering that people are not perhaps as far right wing as I had assumed.

There are a number of organisations in the US, one of the most vocal is NOM (The National Organization for Marriage). They very vocally appose any effort to provide equal rights to all members of the community. With the support of various groups, they focus their attention of the gay community. However, these same conservative groups don't seem to attack with the same degree of rigor or financial backing, the issue of straight men & women cheating on each other, or straight men and women who engage in sexual relations out of wedlock.

Each of these apparent "sins" carry very weighty consequences according to the Christian view of the Old and New Testaments. Perhaps over time, their distorted and bigoted behaviour will become clear to more and more people.

I decided to write this post today because I just don't see where this will end. However, the battle must go on. As long as citizens in a free society can't chose to love who they want to and to marry who they want to, justice is absent on this issue.

If you want to learn more about what some in the gay community are doing in the US, visit the Human Rights Campaign, they do tremendous work. In Australia you can visit Australian Marriage Equality and see what they're doing to bring some sanity to the marriage act.

I've said in previous blogs that my personal opinion is that Governments should get out of the marriage business and leave it to religious and secular institutions to perform as they see appropriate.

Talk to your to your friends, listen to their point of view and share your own. If you don't have one, that's also ok, but I'd encourage you to read to better understand how this issues is creating a second class of citizens who have limited rights compared to the rest

What About Talking To A Shrink?

Is Professional Help An Option?

My initial reaction was that only sick people go to see a ‘shrink’, why did I need to see a psychologist? My friend explained that if you need to build muscles, don’t we all, you go to the gym. If you have something physically wrong with you, you go to the doctor. If you feel you have something emotionally wrong with you, a psychologist is a great place to start. I thought about his analogy and I suppose it made sense. I did’t feel as though I had something “emotionally wrong” with me, I was just unable to reconcile certain feelings and emotions I had. So, I decided to make my first ever appointment with a psychologist.

I arrived at my first appointment with no idea what was going to happen except for impressions collected from Hollywood movies and many sitcoms. I went into his office and after some initial greetings, I sat in a big wing back chair and the psychologist sat directly in front of me in another wing back chair. I thought I was supposed to be laying on a couch! It was literally silent for a few minutes and I asked “How do we do this?” and he responded “Start at the beginning…”. The hour was over before I knew it, I think I spoke for about 90% of the time. I discovered that psychologists are good listeners. I went once a month for about 12 months and found the whole process really rewarding and helpful.

I shared with my mum and a close friend of mum’s that I was seeing the psychologist. I didn’t tell mum why, she didn’t need to know and at that point I didn’t want her to know. She went through all the points where she thought she had failed as a mum and raised issues she felt would certainly be discussed in my sessions. Little did she know most of the time was spent on issues that really didn’t even relate to her, mostly about my interaction with men, the absence of my father and an over inflated reverence I have for authority. I won’t expand on that last one in this book, it’s very strange.

After finally coming out, I learnt that my non-member mother had thought that I may have been gay for a number of years, but she hadn’t raised this issue because she thought my faith may have been a hurdle. She was right and my membership in the LDS Church was a key reason why I hadn’t wanted to come out. There was the embarrassment and maybe shame that I had lead one lifestyle for almost 20 years and was now choosing a very different one. I didn’t want people to think ill of the Church, I took my covenants seriously, although I appreciate my private behaviour would suggest otherwise.

Making the decision to come out is a very personal one. For me, the journey from being in the closet to stepping out and then sharing more of myself, was rewarding and invigorating. It was also scary and a little nerve racking at times, but worth the journey nonetheless. For me, it started with a friend, it then my Bishop and then eventually more friends. Today, a small network of 10 or so friends have heard from me that I’m gay and I’m sure others have heard through the grapevine. That’s ok, it’s who I am and I’m cool with that. It took me time to get the point where it was cool though, that took me a couple of years. Today there are still people that I believe don’t know and I want to tell them, but the tyranny of distance makes it difficult. Friends who live interstate and overseas.

I’ve thought about writing a letter and sharing my news with them like that, I really don’t want them to  find out from someone else. Perhaps writing this book will help me get those words down on paper and in the mail. 

Tyler Clementi

The news covers again the tragic loss of life of another gay teenager who chose to take his own life. At 18, he was a promising music student, his friends spoke highly of him, a great person. But where are we as a society that a young man chooses to take his life because people have found out that he's gay?

Then there's the kids that we never hear about, who quietly take their lives without the fanfare of global news coverage. How many gay teenagers have watched the news this week and seen Tyler's plight and the choice he made? I imagine there are many thousands. I worry that they see this as perhaps their only way out of the humiliation they feel, the bullying they suffer at school and the fear they have about sharing with their family and loved ones that they're gay.

One of my favourite online gay columnists, Dan Savage was horrified at this story as with any story of a gay person taking their life. So, he and his husband put together a YouTube Channel called It Gets Better. He's invited others to contribute and share their stories about high school, the bullying and coming out to parents. The general consensus being that life really does get better when you leave high school.

Of the news coverage I read, from the US, Australia and Canada some of the most enlightened comments from readers came from Salt Lake City, Utah. Comments like:


"tribtalksense says: One of the people in my office has a great saying posted it states, "Never take a person's dignity. It means everything to them and has no worth to you." - Frank Barrow.  This despicable act, (by those taping it), demonstrates this."

"nungwa says: Self-loathing is a bitter and cruel thing. The shame and embarrassment Tyler must have felt had to be excruciating."

If you know any young people who are struggling with their sexuality, take a moment to send them an email with a link to It Gets Better and maybe share you're own story with them.


Click here for Australia News Coverage

Click here for Canadian News Coverage