It's Election Time in Australia

Where does the time go?

I haven't blogged since March! That's not entirely true, I blog at my personal work related blog www.derekbell.com.au and I also blog for work! The past few months have been eventful, my partner and I are looking to buy an apartment, we found a really nice one on the south side of Sydney about three stops from the airport. It's still under construction and we can't move in until the first quarter of 2015. While that feels like forever away, it's not really.

I changed jobs in June, I'm now working for an Oracle reseller - we sell and implement Eloqua a marketing automation platform. I'm loving it, I'm consulting with clients and building our own digital marketing campaigns. I geek out when ever I get to look at the campaign stats, it's fun.

Election Time

Australia heads to the polls this time next week. The battle is essentially between the conservative Liberal Party (Republicans) and the more left leaning Labour Party (Democrats). However compared to both US parties, the Australian parties are both left leaning.

The marriage equality debate has come up and there are groups doing their best to ensure it stays on the agenda, but I don't see it playing a big issue in this election. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has come out saying he's supportive of marriage equality, the first sitting Prime Minister to take that position.

How Will I Vote?

While I might say I'm really not sure, I think I've made my mind up. I should confess I've voted Liberal most of my life, however that's changed over the past few years. About five years ago I lived in Dayton, OH for six months. While living there I would catch up with the VP of sales of the company I was consulting to.

We had great conversations, always about the things you should never discuss - religion, politics and sport. The VP was Jewish, a great guy and very open minded, so the conversations were excellent.

The night of our last dinner/catch up he told me that while I may have presented myself as a Republican (in US terms), he felt that I was more so a fiscally conservative social democrat. I liked that, it made sense. I could wear that badge.

So in Australia, that would translate to me voting Labour. Although some may disagree with the dots I've joined to reach that conclusion. The main issue for me is that the Australian Liberal Party's social polices are so draconian and offensive, it leaves me no choice but to vote Labour.

Let's See What Happens

I'm reasonably certain the Liberal Party will win this election, current polling suggests as much. Will this throw Australian back 20 years from a social policy point of view? Perhaps. There is a glimpse of hope that in the marriage equality area the Liberal Party will allow a conscious vote, however to date they've said they will not.

Tony Abbott's (possibly new Prime Minister next week) sister is gay, Christine Forster. Forster was reported* as saying:

"Tony Abbott's sister has revealed that the Opposition Leader felt "conflicted" about voting in Parliament against marriage equality last year. 

Speaking on the ABC's , Christine Forster, who is gay, said her brother's view that marriage is only between a man and a woman is slowly "shifting". 

"There's been a significant shift in how he approaches this whole question," she said."

So, we'll see what happens.

*SOURCE: Yahoo7 News

Sport, Bullying and the Gay Community

Bendigo City Councillor Leach

This past week, Local Government Councillor Leach from Bendigo in Victoria caused a stir when she wrote a letter to the Editor of the Herald Sun (Melbourne) newspaper. 

In the letter, Cr Leach says “we don’t want issues such as homosexuality, or any sexuality, thrusted in our faces in the name of anti-bullying”.“We won’t be attending any more games. Gay pride! What rubbish!”, it says.*

It seemed to me that she probably doesn't have any gay friends, but the article goes onto quote her as saying “I am not homophobic. I know lots of gay people.” In my usual zeal, I thought I need to email this women and let her now how I feel. I decided to temper my remarks and perhaps share with her some ideas that perhaps she hadn't considered or perhaps wasn't aware of. 

My email to her is below.

Good Morning Councillor Leach, 

It seems your letter to the editor of the Herald Sun has stirred a bit of a "cufuffle" (never sure how to spell that). 

I appreciate and understand your point and I can't help but feel perhaps it's been taken out context as tends to happen, especially around the issue of anything "gay". I think your point is valid, politics doesn't belong in sport nor should it be used as a platform to forward any political view. 

At the same time, I appreciate and understand why some in the AFL feel the way they do. Football, by its nature, is a very 'blokey' domain and one that has had a homophobic undertone for many years. Ben Cohen, the great UK footballer has a a charity he started called "Stand Up Against Bullying". Click Here to visit his facebook page. 

Ben is a great advocate for the underdog, the persecuted and the down trodden. He, his wife and their gorgeous kids are very involved in getting a very positive message out there that bullying in any form is a bad thing. Is this a political message? I don't think so. Ben is also very involved with the gay community and goes to great lengths to support various gay community events and to raise awareness in the community as a whole. 

I think there is space for Australian football bodies to do the same thing. It seems difficult to detach politics from the "gay" issue, possibly because of the gay marriage debate which some would argue is not political, but a basic human right.  

I'm also sensitive to young people who may be questioning their own sexuality, especially when they see negative news items about the gay community. They're young and inexperienced about things of the world and it can contribute to them feeling that they're being attacked personally. I'm sure you're aware of the rates of teenage suicide and the increased levels of such in the gay community, a tragedy for sure. 

Councillor Leach, you were quoted as saying that you have "many gay friends". This puts you in a unique position where you hold a local government political post and are in touch with a group within the community who can feel marginalised because of who they are.  

All the best to you, I hope the press doesn't go to hard at misrepresenting your comments. 

Cheers
Derek

So, you might think I went a bit soft on her, I think I did too. However, sending her an email with me ranting would probably have been deleted long before she got past my greeting. I'm hoping that perhaps something I said here will help her see that there is a role, a really positive role for sports people to play in the anti-bullying, anti-homophobic debate.

Have You Engaged Local Politicians on the Anti-Bullying topic?

*SOURCE: The Weekly City Review

Facebook Groups and Gay Mormons

Finding a Safe Place

There's much in the news and spoken of in communities about the dangers of social media, especially when it comes to youth. I've come across a few facebook Groups focussed on gay LDS/Mormons as well as Groups focussed on bringing different parties together.

One such group is Mormon's Building Bridges on facebook. When I joined the group I didn't take the time to read their version of Apple's Terms & Conditions, it went on for pages. They probably could have summed it all up by listing their Terms & Conditions as "Be Christ Like". 

I found the group a little dry and very Utah centric, even very Salt Lake City focussed. I found most of the posts confusing, confusing in the sense that gay folks were talking about Church meetings they'd attended, firesides they'd been to and family home evenings they'd be participated in. 

On the surface, they seem confused to me. I get that they still have their faith, as do I, but I don't understand what is to be gained by participating in Church activities where people essentially believe you're a sinful creature and that there is room to repent and change.

Governor Romney

The recent US election saw some pretty dirty politics and division among people around a number of issues. I have some wealthy LDS friends from the North West of the US who shared with me their voting choice after they'd cast their vote on election day.

They voted for Romney and for gay marriage but against marijuana. :-) So it seems there are plenty of active LDS people who have a conscious and perhaps don't believe it's the Church's role to push a view on issues that are essentially secular in nature.

"Group" Discussion

There was much election discussion in the facebook groups that I participate, but not in the Mormon's Building Bridges group. Their 'charter' calls for no political discussion. How that's possible, I really don't know. Especially in the context of the LDS Church's political involvement in California's Prop 8 vote.

One group I do find myself spending a lot of time is "Breakthough Branch". I think it's meant to be "Breakthrough Branch" but facebook don't let you fix typo's is my understanding :-) This is a great group, far more open and the discussion is excellent and supportive. There's is a mix of gay and str8, LDS and others, active and less active in the group.

The group is facilitated by a wonderful str8 LDS women, Carol. She does a great job, she's not heavy handed in her moderation of the group and she's created a safe place for discussion.

Why Sexism Still Exists

There is a mix of gay men and women in the group. Some of the girls have told stories of their participation in Mormon's Building Bridges and the sexism they've experienced which has driven them from that group. They've shared stories of comments they've made, similar to those made by gay men but they've then been shot down by str8 members, usually men, for their comments.

There seems to be a double standard at play. It appears that gay men are more accepted than gay women. I don't understand that, it's just plain odd. 

Where to From Here?

I think overall the groups serve a great purpose, they enable people to come together in what should be a safe place, some are safer than others. The agenda behind the groups differs and that's cool, but I've learnt that reading the "small print" of these groups is a good idea in order to participate in a meaningful way.

Feminism Debate - Julia Gillard

Would The Real Julia Gillard Please Stand Up?

Well, it's been an interesting week in Australian politics? Our Prime Minister Julia Gillard gave the opposition leader, Tony Abbott a serious verbal beating and called him a misogynist. Just to be clear, a definition is below:

Misogyny is the hatred or dislike of women or girls. According to feminist theory, misogyny can be manifested in numerous ways, including sexual discrimination, denigration of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women.

If you're interested, you may want to read what the PM actually said. Click Here to read the official Australian Government transcript or Hansard from the session of parliament. Since coming to office, the PM has been berated by many about almost every aspect of who she is.

Miranda Devine

As far as I'm concerned if it's about her job, that's one thing and is open to as much interrogation as possible. However, derogatory comments based on gender have no place in a civilised society.

There was an article in the Sunday Telegraph newspaper today from the journalist Miranda Devine. While the paper has a right leaning agenda, it's no where near as far to the right as the US Republican voter.

I'm not sure what this discourse really did for the average Australian, schools still need work done, hospitals needs additional funding and the bush needs doctors more than ever before. However, the PM managed to berate the opposition leader and make it clear to him and the world she feels insulted by his comments. I just don't think this was the best possible use of tax payer funded time. There are other ways for the PM to have her say on this topic.

I think Devine made some very pertinent points, however her closing comment I thought was the best:

"But to what end?

With unemployment rising, the non-resources economy flatlining, the mining industry having peaked, carbon tax biting and superannuation under threat, the electorate views dimly the people who are supposed to be running the country running around playing gender politics instead. Especially on the 10th anniversary of the first Bali bombing.

We don't care if the prime minister is a woman or a man. We just want rational, prudent, even boring government. We want to be "relaxed and comfortable" again."

Don't get me wrong, good on the PM for saying what she said. It just seems like a "storm in a teacup" that probably really won't go anywhere and I'm not sure what electoral benefits there is for her.

So many views, Facebook Groups and more

Gay LDS Facebook Groups

The appears to be no shortage, some a mix of just us gay folks and others a mix of well intended straight folks and gay. The discussions are generally nice, people sharing ideas and experiences.

Personally I've found some of the discussions a little odd, from my point of view. I should point out that I firmly believe that everyone's journey from the closet to "out" and then hopefully "out and proud", is a personal one. Everyone's journey is unique.

The part I've struggled with comes from one specific Facebook group called "Mormons Building Bridges". There is a concerted effort to conduct firesides and other church meetings for gay and straight LDS to attend. I think there is merit in doing this and the more tolerance it brings will make the world a better place, however I'm not sure I understand what the end goal is.

I'm particularly sensitive to young people, teenagers and those in their twenties who may be feeling depressed about their gender identity and feel stifled in an LDS environment where the only message they may hear is that being gay is "wrong" and that Heavenly Father doesn't love all of his children. For me, sitting in Sunday meetings and constantly hearing a message that I could never see myself a part of, was the tough part.

My personal journey consisted of being in the closet until about age 36. Prior to that I fasted and I prayed that heavenly father would take these gay feelings away. I suppose I was trying to "pray the gay away". That was a huge waste of time, in hindsight I think Heavenly Father probably wanted me to talk to him about far more important things.

Over the past five + years the comments from Church leaders has been softer, kinder and well, more Christian. I fully believe that any Church has the right to enforce a standard of living it feels appropriate to its position and understanding of the bible or other sacred text.

The challenge comes though when we move further down the leadership ladder, in my mind this is the 70, Regional, Stake and Ward leadership. Having read many gay LDS experiences on Facebook and other blogs there is a variety of implementations of the "rules". My own experience was a kind and loving Bishop who was empathetic to my situation and provided great care and love. Others have been dragged in front of High Councils and excommunicated.

While I appreciate there is room for "revelation" I understand that revelation can't go beyond what the LDS Church calls "The General Handbook of Instructions". This handbook is a guide and explanation for local lay leadership on how the "rules" are to be enforced.

Indoctrination

In a Facebook chat with a friend who recently had her name removed from the records of the Church, she talked about her new found freedom and the impact of what she referred to as "indoctrination". I've always felt this word conjures up a negative context. One aspect of the LDS Church that I have always liked is the direction that one has to discover for ones self the truthfulness of the gospel and an understanding that Joseph Smith saw what he claims to have seen.

Once we arrive at that position and believe what Joseph says, we're in a position to then make choices about how we live. If this is "indoctrination" well I can work with that. But as I said to my friend, we're all grown ups and we make our own choices. Personally, I have no recollection of being in a position where I was being forced to believe anything that was presented to me. For the record, I still believe, I just can't figure out where I fit into the Plan. For me, that doesn't mean the whole thing isn't true. I often reflect on Those of African descent and their inability to hold the priesthood, their faith was strong.

A Mixture of Ideas

In Australia we have a TV show called Q&A, the tag line is "Adventures in democracy". There's a host and a panel of usually five people, a mixture of politicians, comedians, journalists and other notable members of the community.

Last week the Anglican Archbishop of Sydney was on the show. The Anglican Church in Australia has recently made available to its members a wedding vow that includes the word "submit". It's in the context of a women submitting to her husband. Well, this didn't go down well with most of the panel, the audience and the onscreen tweets that happen during the show, it's live to air.

Coming from an LDS background and with I'd say a reasonable understanding of the New Testament, I understood the doctrinal foundation for the use of this word. It refers to Christ and how he laid down his life for the Church, if a husband behaves in the same fashion then a wife is in a position to submit to that concept and to her husband as he submits to Christ. Now in an ideal world this probably works fine. But where we have men who dominate, rule over and squander their role as husband an patriarch, the wife's  requirement to submit is null and void, I believe.

The reason I raise this is because with people's lack of understanding of the new testament they can misunderstand what is meant by submit. The imposition of Christian doctrine on those who don't adhere to a Christian faith makes no sense.

In this same program, the question of same sex marriage was raised. The Shadow Minister for Mental Health (Secretary in US terms) made a provocative statement about HIV AIDS and the life expectancy of gay men, an odd segue to say the least. There was an audible gasp from the studio audience that she would even go there. In Australia, HIV infections have been on the rise since around 2000. AIDS is actually on a decline for the same period was largely due to the introduction of effective combination antiretroviral therapy, which delays progression from HIV infection to AIDS.

The whole gay marriage debate seems like such a farce to me. Why are religious groups so anxious to impose their views on me and why are they so anxious to ensure that people who don't believe as they believe adhere to their view of the world. Joseph Smith said:

"We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." 

I think Mitt Romney would do well to reflect on this concept a little further.

So Many Views

For the gay latter-day saint who is looking to live a full and rich life, my personal belief is that this can't be done while trying to be an active member of the Church. I think it's damaging to their mental well being and will generally lead to more angst and anguish as they try to reconcile themselves to a way of living that doesn't fit who they are. It's kind of like a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn't work.

However, the are many aspects and teachings of the Church that are very worthy to continue as part of our lives. A Christ like view of others, removing judgement from our  interactions with others and generally being a good person. Our sexuality doesn't define who we are, it's simply part of the whole that makes us who we are. An attitude of service is great for the soul, giving of ourselves for the betterment of others is a great quality.

Well, I think I've rambled enough, hopefully I've made some sense. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

My Response To A Friend

A few weeks ago I had an email exchange with a good friend Thad. He'd asked me if I was gay and this was my response to him. You see, I live in Sydney, Australia and Thad lives in the US. The tyranny of distance means the written word is sometimes easier...

Hi Thad

Thanks for your message mate, it meant the world to me. With hindsight, I can look back to when I was a kid, perhaps as early as 11 or 12 and I knew I liked guys. But at that age I didn't really know what that meant, all I knew was that it was "wrong".

As I got older and then found the Church at 16, I found a framework I suppose that helped me make sense of the world. My feelings of homosexuality didn't really play a part in my learning about the Church, but it gave me a way to compartmentalise my feelings I suppose. Again, this was really happening at a sub conscious level I think.

While on my mission, I remember writing a page in my journal about being gay and what that might mean, but at that point I wasn't really able to say to myself that I was gay. At that stage I still don't think I really knew what that meant. Getting married in the Temple was the goal, and that wasn't going to happen if I was gay.

It probably wasn't until my late 20's that I actually said out loud in prayer one night "Heavenly Father I think I'm gay". It's amazing how you feel when you actually say something like that out loud, the brethren are right. Praying out loud works.

Then in 2007 I had an opportunity to work in the US for six months with Ersnt & Young. I was 35 and at a point where I determined that I had to figure this out, was a I gay or was I straight. Without giving you too many details (although I have a blog if you want the sordid details) I figured it out. Keep in mind this had been a topic of prayer for almost 20 years and I'd not got a response, either way. Intellectually I think I'd worked out I was gay, but until I actually connected the physical with the emotional, I just couldn't be sure. You're a doctor, so I'll add here that I was safe and sensible, and I left that interaction feeling uplifted, like a cloud had been removed. I got it, I understood why I felt the way I did.

I honestly understand what you may be thinking at this point from a church point of view, trust me, I went through the same feelings. I spent days and weeks reviewing my emotions, my thought processes etc. However, at no point did I feel guilty and that was an overriding feeling. Does it make sense though that i felt guilty about not feeling guilty!

Once I got home to Australia I realised I'd reached a point of no return. But what on earth was I to do? You need to know that for probably 15 years I had been praying and asking heavenly father for an inspired Bishop to ask me "Derek, are you gay?". I just figured that would easier than me initiating the "confession". While I didn't feel guilty, I knew that I had to talk to my Bishop and that there would be consequences. I was ok with that, my testimony was and is still place, I just couldn't figure out where I fitted into Heavenly Father's plan. I know he loves me and I know that some how things will work out, I just don't know how.

I've learnt that asking for things in prayer can be a little dangerous, because more often than not he delivers. Some background. I had some pictures on my iMac of some underwear models, I thought these guys were hot. Of course I'd make sure the screen saver was changed when I had guests over, the iMac was in living room for all to see. Well, they did see. I had the Elders over for dinner one night and well, you can imagine what happened. Nothing was said, I turned the iMac off after I realised what I thought the Elders probably had seen.

Then comes the phone call from Bishop, he wanted to see me. You see, my prayers had been answered, not quite in the way I'd wanted, but we generally can't prescribe exactly how we want things to happen to Heavenly Father.

What followed was probably one of the most intense meetings with a Bishop in my life. Everything came out, although I may have held back a little of my "exploits" while in the US. The volume of my exploits made little difference at this point.

Bishop was full of love, understanding, compassion and respect. I took my Temple Recomend with me, I knew he'd want it. I balled and sobbed in that meeting, 35 years of stress came out in a 2 hour meeting.

Then, about four months later I moved out of the ward and stopped going to Church. The hardest thing was disposing of my garments, I'd stopped wearing them months earlier. 

Then about three years ago I met a guy, he's Persian. I fell in love and we've been together since. My close friends at Church here in Sydney have been wonderful, they love me and love him. They've been accepting and have been a great support. The coming out process was hard, really hard, but it's been worth it.

I've discovered a community of gay LDS lads here in Sydney and they've been a wonderful support too. We have a Facebook group "gay LDS Aussies" and we meet regularly. I've taken over as the administrator of that page and communicate with gay LDS folks all over the world. In many cases offering them support as they work through their sexuality and what that means in a church context.

I harbour no I'll feelings towards the Church, although you're right, they've certainly said some very hurtful things. I'm not sure if you can connect those statements to gay LDS youth and YSA as reasons for their suicide, but they sure as hell don't help. You're right, the Church has softened it's rhetoric which is a good things and there are many LDS groups who are supportive of their gay sons, daughters and family members.

I really don't know how gay LDS can contribute and be a part of a ward, it just doesn't work. When the only option you have is to be celibate for the rest of your life, that's a very sad outlook. Sitting in Church week after week, month after month essentially hearing that who you are is wrong and not in accordance with Heavenly Fathers plan, well, it just sucks and it hurts. 

That was the main issue I had, as I said before, I just couldn't work out where I fitted in.

So there you have it, you're as up to date with me as I am 

Thad, I've always thought so highly of you and the person you are. Your thoughtful, considerate and kind, truly the kind of priesthood holder the Church needs more of. Maybe one day you'll be a Bishop and find yourself in the same position as my Bishop. The greatest impact you can have is to perhaps stand up for the silent voices of the gay members in your ward, I'm sure they're there, we're everywhere be the voice of love and compassion.

It's Sunday over here and I'm sitting at my local cafe downstairs from my apartment writing to you on my iPad. It's a magnificent winters day, blue skies, sunshine and a subtle chill in the air. 

Thank you for taking the initiative to write, perhaps you are the answer to my prayers.

Love 

db

A Personal Email from a Good Friend

I got a message on facebook from a good friend of mine. We served together in the mission field in the early 1990's. For the non-LDS reading this, you've probably seen Mormon missionaries around your neighbourhood at some point, that was me :-)

My friend sent this message through this past week. I've removed his name for his privacy.

_________________________________________________________________________

Derek,

First of all, I've been thinking about this on and off for years, so I hope you understand that I wouldn't write this with the intent of being flippant or... I don't know. I've never written something like this, don't know how to address it, so I'm stumbling a lot.

Anyway, here goes. I have been reading a book recently, but over the past few years, for some reason I have been really engaged, almost "driven" to learn, read, ponder, and pray about issues with sexuality. I would think that a person would be more interested if they were experiencing/dealing with personal issues on the subject, but I have sometimes felt "impelled" to try and understand this topic more. I am grateful that in recent times, the leadership of the church has also been inspired to address this issue in their public statements, and express compassion about the difficult struggle and nature of those who deal with same-gender attraction.

So I'm continuing to ramble. This is the thing. I know I shouldn't assume, and I don't even know if I've created the sense for those around me that I am trying so hard to understand, empathize, and be a listening ear to others who live in a world (the church) where they feel as an outsider because of deeply set feelings that they struggle to understand. I want to be; I can't relate to them personally, exactly, but I can appreciate the depth of despair that I could imagine would come to someone in a situation like this.

Again, rambling... Derek, are you gay? I hope this question doesn't offend you, and I sincerely apologize if it does. The book I'm reading discussing a mother's experience with her son struggling with this, and eventually taking his life because he couldn't reconcile a life in keeping with his faith, and continuing to have the feelings and urges he had. I don't want anyone to have to feel that alone that the decision to take their life would be the only option they felt that they had. So I'm taking a risk with you, a dear friend to me despite our geographic distance. If I'm wrong, I hope you'll forgive me. If this is an issue for you, I want you to know that I love you, you are my brother, my friend, and if there is anything I can do to... well, whatever, please let me know. I don't have any answers, I'm not sure I know what I could do to help, but can tell you that I respect you a lot, you're are and have been a great example to me, and I think the world of you. That, to me, defines you far more than an issue like same gender attraction--it's really irrelevant in my mind in the context of you as a person, though I realize that in the practice of your life, it may be a constant issue that you have to address, so I don't mean to minimize it.

Okay, so it's out there, and again, please forgive me if I'm totally wrong on this--but I can't bear to think that anyone should have to suffer alone, in silence about this issue, and I hope to be a part of helping others in and out of the church to be more empathetic and compassionate towards others, and creating an environment of true love within our church so that anyone can feel accepted and loved within our faith, and truly feel that it is a place where they can find not judgment and scrutiny, but love and healing, or at least some measure of peace and solace.

Love you,

A Friend.

_________________________________________________________________________

You see, there are good Latter-day Saints and other Christians out there who try to live their faith. I think we need to have a little more faith in our Christian families and friends.