Is My Faith Different Because I’m Gay?

The expression of a person’s faith is a very personal thing. The perceived or real boundaries of Christianity can be restrictive and even smothering for members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (GLBT) community. For me, the struggle came at three different stages. Firstly, when I wondered about my sexuality, secondly when I finally said out loud to myself that I was gay and finally when I decided to have sex with a guy. Let’s explore each of those three stages in a little more detail.


1. I Wondered about my Sexuality

Before I discovered the LDS Church, when I was about eleven years old, I found myself liking boys and seeing them as something different. At that age I didn’t really know about sex, I just knew that I found boys and men attractive. As a young kid I understood that many saw that as wrong and so it was something that I never talked to anyone about.

I was a latch key kid who spent many days at home alone during the school holidays, I watched a lot of movies and spent some time with friends. At some stage I came across two movies that I’ve lost count of how many times I watched them. One was “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” and the other “Risky Business” with Tom Cruise. I loved these movies for two very different reasons.

I was infatuated with Tom Cruise, especially the scene where he slides into view wearing a white business shirt, boxes and white socks. In The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I saw a man called Frank-N-Furter who wore what looked like women’s clothes and he was making a man called Rocky, a guy he seemed to like a lot.

I knew every word to every scene and at 38 I think I can still quote a few scenes if needed at some obscure pub game. These movies and one other, “St. Elmo’s Fire”, enabled me to see alternative lifestyles from those I had been exposed to, I saw men in relationships with each other. The night I saw St. Elmo’s fire, I really struggled with the outcome of Andrew McCarthy’s character. He was gay and had fallen in love with a guy, but it was a love that would never happen. I think I was about 14 when I saw this movie, I went to bed that night and I remember crying in bed because I felt something of what that might be like.  Mum heard me crying and came into my room, she asked me what was wrong. I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I essentially said the movie had made me upset, I didn’t go into detail about why.

This phase of wondering about my sexuality continued until I was in my late twenties. I joined the LDS Church at 16 and this caused a distraction, but not for long. However the Church gave me a framework to manage my feelings and to compartmentalize parts of myself that I didn’t want to face or address at that stage.

This process was helpful and in some cases, for many months, I could happily move through life without thinking about guys. The Church teaches that celibacy can lead to a happy and fulfilling life, I do find it ironic that this council comes from a group of elderly married men. My struggle with this council is that I believe God created me as I am, I know he wants the best for me. If my homosexuality is a temptation, why after 38 years of trying to overcome the temptation am I no closer to putting it aside today than I was from the beginning? 

In addition, why do I feel the way I do in a relationship with a guy? I feel whole, I feel complete and most importantly I feel happy, at peace and I don’t feel guilty. There are those in Church who would explain this away because of my apparent disobedience, my behaviour has distanced me so far from the spirit, I can no longer sense that which is right or that which is wrong. Perhaps, but I disagree. From the LDS Church publication, “God Loveth His Children” we read:

“God assures His children, including those currently attracted to persons of the same gender, that their righteous desires will eventually be fully satisfied in God’s own way and according to His timing.”

I read into this a different meaning than perhaps the one the Brethren mean. I see that God loves his gay children as he loves all of his children. God is no respecter of persons, meaning he does not favour one child over another, all are equal before him. I’ve come to the conclusion that we really don’t know where gay children fit within God’s great plan of happiness. Given the quote above, I believe my righteous desires will eventually be fully satisfied in God’s own way and according to His timing.

How Does My Faith Manifest Itself In My Life?

Trying to explain faith to someone who doesn’t believe is a very difficult task, it’s almost like winking at someone on the dark. Some feel that Church’s have generally persecuted the gay community and why would any gay man want to be a part of that world. Others look to the Catholic Church, often seeing it as representative of all Christianity, and see their abuse of children and their treatment of gay priests and see nothing but hypocrisy. Perhaps their view is somewhat accurate. I want to point out here, that I feel saddened that a minority of Catholic priests have brought disgrace to a wonderful organisation which helps to uplift and inspire millions of people the world over.

Faith develops at different times for different people. There are those who grow up in a religious or spiritual environment and it’s simply a part of their makeup, it’s just who they are. There are those who discover religion later in their life, either as a teenager or perhaps as an adult. Finding religion and or spirituality is different to finding faith. Faith is a moving target, it grows over time. The growth usually comes about through the things we do. The New Testament teaches us that, “Faith without works is dead.”

I believe this to mean that you can’t sit on your couch and do nothing and call yourself a Christian. You need to be doing something about it, a friend of mine says that faith is a verb - it’s a doing word.

My faith guided my behaviour, it guided my decisions and the choices I made. I enjoyed that, it was like a framework to live by. However the reason I chose to live by that framework was because I had faith that Christ wanted me to live that way, I still do.

The challenge came for me when I could no longer mask who I was. This became the most poignant for me after dating a beautiful young women for two years. I felt deeply for her, but at no time could I see myself being intimate with her. She was attractive, intelligent, and filled with faith, but I knew this was not going to work. Breaking off that relationship was the most difficult thing I had ever done in any relationship I had been in.

It also meant acknowledgment to myself that I was gay, I wasn’t going to change. I don’t believe that any amount of faith or prayer was going to change who I was. Deceiving myself and possibly my girlfriend was reprehensible to her and unfair for me. I couldn’t do it, I could see myself at 45 with children and coming out to my wife because I just couldn’t do it any more. That wasn’t a future I wanted for her or I.

This period of my life was a tumultuous one, I found myself emotionally up and down constantly. These mood swings were largely unknown to those around me, remember I had become a master of masking my feelings, at least I thought so.

After breaking up with my girlfriend, I managed to get a job in Sydney and moved from Melbourne in Christmas of 2005. I moved back to an LDS Church congregation I had attended when I last lived in Sydney. I continued to be active in Church and it continued to be a big part of my life. 

What Does it mean to have Faith? - continued...

For the first time in my life I was getting attention, very positive and pure intended attention, from men and this was combined with their teachings of Christ which I had been searching for, for some time. I need to make it very clear, never in my mind was there ever any thought of a sexual nature. That’s not what this was about, it was about the forming of some amazing friendships developed through a very personal journey and discovery of faith in Jesus Christ.

Once I made the decision to be baptised, which took me about 12 months, my focus and study of the gospel only intensified. Growing in a similar intensification was my attraction to guys, however I either consciously or subconsciously suppressed them for many years. At no stage had I shared these feelings with anyone, except my private journal. I don’t recall discussion at Church which condemned homosexuality, however I knew it was a sin according to the teachings of the LDS Church.

As I left high school and turned 18 it was time for me to think about serving a full time mission for the LDS Church. This would mean two years away from home and a strict lifestyle of celibacy and obedience to a series of fairly strict rules beyond that of the lay membership. I wanted to do it and so off I went, for two years. It was an interesting growth period.

After about six weeks in, I was wondering what on earth I had done. It’s not something I shared with anyone, just something I had to work out on my own. I stayed and completed my two years and received what’s referred to as a ‘honorable release’. It was an amazing experience, one that I will always treasure and be thankful for. I managed to meet many people from a variety of backgrounds, income levels and cultural origins. The unique thing about religion is that you get to talk to people on a very personal level, a level that you would never be able to do if you weren’t a minister of religion. It’s something about the white shirt and tie and the little black badge, people seem very comfortable opening up and sharing their most personal feelings and experiences.

I kept a fairly extensive journal from my two years as a missionary, looking back over it there are a couple of entries about my feelings of being gay and what that meant. Before I left on my mission, I made a covenant with God through prayer. If I was 100% obedient as a missionary, would he take away these feelings of homosexuality. I was probably 90% obedient, but the feelings remained. I think I explained away my lack of a miracle because of my lack of obedience. 

I’ve since realised that some challenges are with us for reasons beyond our ability to understand. Is my being gay a challenge? It certainly was at one point in my life, but since coming out it’s no longer a challenge, it’s just simply who I am. In the context of this book and faith within the teachings of Christ, homosexuality is looked upon as a grievous sin and one that equals adultery in its’ severity. Some Christian groups believe it to be much worse and some are less radical in their view.

As I met with my Bishop in a private meeting the last Sunday I attended Church he said, “If I understand you correctly, you simply don’t understand where you fit in?”. He was right, I don’t understand where I fit into Gods plan. I believe He has a plan for me, I believe that He loves me regardless of my behaviour or, what could be seen as, my sinful ways.  The Saviour taught us to love the sinner and despise the sin, if that’s his council to us, surely He lives by the same standard? With that love, why would he create me the way that I am and then not allow me to be who I believe I am?

I’m Gay and I have Faith

What Does it mean to have Faith?

“And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” Alma 32:21

From as young as eight or nine I remember my mother exploring different forms of faith, mostly of Eastern origin. As a younger women she explored Western religions and aligned herself with the Church of England. I enjoyed the journey’s my mum took and I think the whole process exposed me to alternate ways of thinking and a more sensitive approach to the differences in people. Dad left when I was about three, I’ve not really had much to do with him, even to this day. That’s possibly a whole other book.

The big change for me came when we moved from the far south coast of New South Wales to Melbourne, Australia’s second largest city. There was a lot more to see and to be exposed to in a city that size.

It was probably soon after moving to Melbourne when I was about ten years old, I realised that I liked other boys. I’m not sure it was a conscious thing where I thought, “I’m gay” and I don’t like girls, I think I probably liked both. I do remember making out with an album cover of Leif Garret when I was eleven. I also remember having a crush on particular guys at high school as well as my P.E. teacher, I also had a crush on a few girls.

As a developing teenager this was a little confusing. The kids at school perhaps knew long  before I did, I was called a “poof”, “faggot” and many other things. I think I was a confident kid, I never really had a ‘group’ that I would hang with at school. For a couple of years, in my senior years, I had lunch with some of the teachers each day, the conversation was far more stimulating and interesting than mingling with the meat heads in the school yard.

I kissed my first girl in my senior year at high school, I was a later bloomer. It was nothing to write home about and I was probably more interested in a couple of the guys at the party where it happened, but nothing happened with the guys and nothing happened with her.

Midway through high school, I discovered The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church). I was working part time at an Apple Computer store and the owners were members of the Church. They were a great group of guys and I worked there for about twelve months before I decided to learn more about the LDS Church.

Hindsight can often be a valuable and worthwhile exercise. As I look back over this period, I was 15 and 16 years old. The members of the Church introduced me to the full time missionaries whose job it is to teach those who are investigating the LDS Church. It was at this point that I started to have very mixed feelings about men. As a young man I was enjoying the attention of guys in their early 20’s, great guys whose motives were to simply share the gospel.

We had some very intense conversations, very deep and spiritual conversations which by their very nature bring you closer to someone than through normal discussions of politics, sports or economics. I said before hindsight can be valuable. Looking back now I think I had a merging of two needs in my life that somehow came together in an unusual way - keep in mind I was 15 and 16 years old.

An Introduction

The decision to write this book was largely driven by my own experience and the experiences of those I know and love. I waited until I was 36 to really explore my homosexuality and didn’t come out until I was 38.

In this book I want to share a little of my own journey and some of the things that I have learnt along the way. I’ll do that by combining my faith and my coming out journey. I hope you will gain something from my experience.

One thing this book is not, is a preachy religious book trying to somehow justify or balance my lifestyle with my faith. I’ve not been able to balance my life style with my faith, essentially I don’t understand why I am the way I am. However, I do know that in order for me to be authentic, I had to come out and just simply ‘be’. I balance that with my faith and the knowledge that God loves me regardless of my shortcomings and many faults, just as he loves you.

As I researched for this book, I began to discover that many gay Latter-day Saints have had a really hard time with their sexuality and the treatment by family, friends and priesthood leaders. During the 2010 Sundance Film Festival release of the documentary “8 - A Mormon Proposition” Dustin Lance Black spoke of being aware that he was gay from the age of eight. He said he sat in church meetings and heard President Spencer W. Kimball compare homosexuality with the same severity as murder. As a small boy who knew what these words meant and it was a struggle to live with those feelings.

The journey with our sexuality will be different for everyone, I hope that the experiences I share in this book will give you courage to be who you are and stand tall as a member of a wonderful community and son or daughter of God.

I’m grateful to the gay and straight friends who shared their experiences to add to the richness of this book. Through their and my experiences I hope you find the courage to be who you are and to ultimately enjoy being the person you are.

It Starts Here...

I'm writing a book about the coming out journey as a gay Latter-day Saint (Mormon). I thought it would be helpful to share some sections from my drafts via a blog. It will hopefully be helpful for Christians and others who are on the way out. I'm also looking for your feedback and comments. I want to hear from those who may be going through the same journey.

At this stage the book is broken into five chapters exploring faith, being gay, exploring relationships, and exploring some of the lifestyle changes that come from being gay.

Thank you for reading my blog.