Will you share your experience?

As part of a book I'm writing, I'm collecting feedback from gay LDS men and women. The survey is anonymous, you can identify yourself if you'd like to.

Please click on the link below, the survey will take no more than 10-15minutes to complete.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/GQLRFW9

Please feel free to send this link to any gay LDS men/women you may know.

Many thanks for your participation.

Results will be posted here, probably around July 2011.

Coming Out to Family & Friends cont...

Making the choice to come out is your own and I hope you get to do it on your own terms. Just make sure you take the time to think about the steps you want to take and the manner in which you want to do it. Just keep in mind you can’t control how people will respond, some with love you more than ever and some will have a difficult time understanding. Let those people go, let them take the time they need to figure things out in their own mind. If they really love you, they will come back. As for those who reject you, you can’t change them. Just love them and accept them for who they are.

I had come out to someone in the late 1990’s. I was living in Melbourne and had met a guy through Church, he was a lovely guy and engaged. He wasn’t your average LDS member, he had dreadlocks and had his own take on how to live the gospel. The thing I liked about him the most, was that he was very open minded about things. I was attracted to this guy, primarily because I knew if I came out to him he would be cool and non judgmental.

I finally summed up the courage to come out to him, although it was in a very convoluted way. I had sent him a email with a report on a subject we’d discussed, I edited the article and inserted comments about how I felt about guys and that I was gay and wanted to come out. At first glance, the article looked like the original, he would only see my edits if he read the complete article. Well, he did read the article and called me soon after. We met, spoke and I found his warmth and friendship encouraging. 

He was the first person I had ever told that I was gay and that experience could not have been better. Over the coming weeks and months we spoke more about my situation and again I found his thoughts and views very helpful. However, I managed to smother this guy and he eventually asked for some space. It really hurt, but I knew I had put too much on him and was asking too much. We met a few weeks later and he gave me the name of a psychologist. He worked in the medical field and was able to refer me to a psychologist he had also seen in the course of his work.

The decision to tell friends is either terrifying or a relief. For me I found it a mixture of those feelings. I had been dating my partner for about seven months and I was finding it really difficult to juggle between the time I wanted to spend with him and the time my friends were used to me giving to them. As a single guy, your time is your own and my LDS friends began to see that my time was becoming less and less available. 

Looking back and having had discussions with them, they wondered what was up. They had sensed I was having issues with the Church and when I moved from my Ward to the inner west of Sydney, they started to ‘join the dots’ so to speak. Sydney’s inner west has a bohemian feel to it, it’s more open than where I was living relative to the gay community. I hadn’t consciously thought about it, but perhaps that’s why I chose to move there.

While trying to perform this juggling act I knew I had to come out to these people, two couples and a single girlfriend all around my age. I approached them individually and shared my news, for each of them this wasn’t a shock. Let me share some of the steps I went through to share my news in the hope it may give you some ideas.

Australian Federal Election

And so the day begins with millions of Australians heading to the polls to vote. The media suggest that only 20% of voters know who they're going to vote for. I was amongst the 80% who for the first time in my life made the choice literally standing in the booth.


What has caused this confusion in my mind? I think there are a number of things. For the first time I'm voting as an openly gay man - does this really factor into who I vote for? Well, it seems to be largely irrelevant. Both of the major parties won't allow gay "marriage", so there's no benefit there for me on that issue regardless which party I vote for.


Should I vote on a single issue? I don't think so. Our election process has become very American in the way people think and the way the media present it. Australian's don't vote for the PM, the PM is appointed by the party who win with the majority of seats in the House of Representatives. 


With the ousting of Kevin Rudd, this should be very clear to people, the PM is a party decision not a decision for the people. However, people still say "I voted for Julia" or "I voted for Tony". Well, actually no, you didn't. You vote for your local member who belongs to a party and the party appoints the PM.


My own mother having voted Liberal her entire life, voted for "Julia" this time round because she can't stand "Tony". Voting is a personal thing and I applaud her for participating in the process and I'm in not place to appose her motivations, but I do disagree with that thought process.


Regardless of the outcome, same-sex couples will still be second class citizens as their relationships are seen as offering no value to the community. Until our relationships are on an equal footing with all Australians, there is work to do.


Is "Marriage" necessarily the right act or word to create such equality - I'm not sure. Does changing 80 Australian federal laws that almost bring equality for same-sex couples? I don't think so, it's a mockery, "almost equality" is not equality.

Openly Gay Aussie Senator Opposes Gay Marriage

http://www.smh.com.au/federal-election/wong-backs-labors-antigay-marriage-stance-20100725-10q37.html


Senator Wong, Minister for Climate Change, is openly gay. However today she's recorded in the press as being opposed to gay marriage. The hypocrisy drives me mad.


There are those who oppose gay marriage on the basis that it's a heterosexual arrangement. I see marriage as the hallmark of western society (I can't speak for the rest of the world). Marriage is the institution by which we generally measure the seriousness of a relationship, many of our laws are pinned to this arrangement.


It's seen as so serious within our culture, we have to apply to the government for permission to do so. The Birth, Deaths and Marriages agency of the NSW, Australian government says the following on their website:


"Once you decide to marry, you are required to give a marriage celebrant at least one month and one days notice (not more than 18 months notice) of an intended date of marriage. Once you choose a marriage celebrant, they will ask you to complete a Notice of Intended Marriage form which they will provide or you can download."


In my reading on the issue, one of the reasons Church's are so opposed has more to do with their fear of being forced to perform same sex marriages within their Church's. Even if the law forced Church's to concede, I can't understand why a gay couple would want to have such a special day take place in an environment of open hostility.


Aside from all the arguments I've read, the core argument I believe rests on equality for all citizens. As long as gay members of the community are restricted in their ability to be married, they will be second class citizens.


One of the most interesting views I've read on this issue is that government should step out of the institution of marriage all together. I read this idea in: http://www.capitalismmagazine.com/index.php?news=3543


I think he's onto a good idea.


Interesting note, the day the Penny Wong article was posted at the www.smh.com.au, they ran a poll. "Are you for or against gay marriage?" With 2 hours to go before the poll closed, they had 19,634 people respond. 65% for and 35% against.

Coming Out to Family & Friends

My decision to “come out” happened in two parts. In chapter two I talked about the three stages I went through exploring my sexuality. The first coming out was really for me, perhaps you could say this was me opening the door to the closest, just a little. The second was coming out to family and friends, or taking a step out of the closet.

This second coming out is probably the hardest for any gay person. It would probably make this chapter a little more engaging if my coming out had been difficult or traumatic. It was not, I was almost ‘outed’ by my mother more so than me choosing to come out. However, I was in control of another aspect of coming out and that was being prepared emotionally to come out. 

Soon after my first sexual experience I knew wanted to come out, but knowing how or when was the hardest step. I spent a lot time on self talk, that is, talking to myself about why I was the way I was, how I was going to come out and to whom. While self talk can tend to lean towards the negative, I found the process to be helpful. It forced me to think at times, out loud, about how I was going to come out. In addition, I kept an extensive journal, which I found beneficial reading again and again.

Another question that I found myself trying to answer was “why do I need to come out?”. Whose business was it anyway? Whom I choose to sleep with is my business and no one else’s. Perhaps you’ve had this discussion with your self, if so, here’s the answer I arrived at.

I decided I had to come out for my own sanity, to not come out was for me, hiding. It was taking up residence in the back of the ‘closet’ so to speak. It meant juggling two lives, with two sets of friends and two sets of events constantly jumping between the two. I’m not a good lier, I knew I would be ‘found out’ or ‘revealed’ at some stage. Being LDS there was the added complication of being an endowed High Priest. I had made commitments and covenants, I was not abiding by them and I felt a responsibility to step up and take ownership of those issues. At the time of writing this book, I’m only part way there with the Church. I’ve not had a disciplinary council, although my Bishop knows the choices I’ve made. He did take my temple recommend, which I took with me to the meeting because I knew I had to surrender it. He released me from my priesthood callings and called me as the ward website coordinator, a calling that does not require me to use the Priesthood.

A Little More About Michael

Some of the gay LDS men I know have been excluded from family activities and in some cases excluded from the family home. In some cases they believed this was the counsel from Church Leaders,  my research shows quite clearly that is not the current counsel. I believe there exists among some local Church leaders a disconnect between their counsel and the counsel from the “Brethren” i.e. the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. It’s the nature of any world wide organisation that the local implementation of certain doctrines may differ slightly from “head office”. 

Perhaps if your family feel their faith requires them to exclude you from the family home and other family activities, you could gently make them aware of Elder Oaks’s comments. 

While the idea of love can be difficult in the face of such opposition to our choices, perhaps we can take the high road when dealing with people who would persecute or belittle us because of our sexuality. In most cases, those men I spoke to have been able to reconnect with their family. That reconnection is generally built on a mutual respect 

Of the men I interview for this book, none have met with a Priesthood Leader to confess their homosexual activity.

How else do I find love in my life?

This question presupposes that a person wants to find love in their life. I’m confident that all men and women want to find love at some level in their lives. However I’m not sure I can answer this question because a person can find love in so many ways. The best conclusion I can come to is that love for others is perhaps best begun with love of self. I suggest it makes life easier for a gay person if they first come to terms with who they are so they can develop a love not only for themselves but for those around them, family, friends and lovers.

If your relationship with Christ was or is one of great depth, I would encourage you to do what you can to maintain that. While the Church teaches this is best done through the scriptures, prayer and service, I found a change of focus helped me. King Benjamin

 taught:

“And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.”

There are many opportunities to serve in the GLBT and wider community. I found opportunities to serve others which made my challenges diminish as I buried myself in others problems and issues.

Exploring a Relationship With a Partner.

Exploring your sexuality, coming out and then perhaps finding a partner or lover can be an overwhelming process. The upside being that the intimacy, support, friendship and happiness that can come from a relationship makes the bumps along the way a little easier. 

My experience dating a girl is minimal with only a few years under my belt. At the time of writing this book, my experience dating a guy was even more limited. I don’t profess to be the Dr. Phil of gay dating, I’m just sharing my own experience.

From the point of starting to explore my sexuality, I didn’t really want or desire a partner. I was happy meeting guys, having some fun and perhaps moving on or maintaining a relationship which brought about ‘friends with benefits’. I found it a really empowering process, I met some great guys who wanted the same thing - its’ called NSA sex, “No Strings Attached”. It’s common in the gay world, the key is to ensure that you and these guys are always safe and clean. 

I had probably been having ‘fun’ for about two years when I met a guy one evening at a bar. He was about five years younger than me, handsome and I thought beautiful. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, I hadn’t made a conscious decision that I wanted to commit to a relationship, but there he was. Now I had to work out how to date a guy, I’d never done this before - are the rules different? Who takes the lead? 

I hinted that I’d like to see more of him, he agreed but only wanted to be friends at this stage. There were worse responses he could have given me. For about four months we had dinner and saw each other from time to time and got to know each other. He’d recently come out of a relationship and didn’t want to get into a serious relationship in a hurry, so I hung around waiting and hoping. I knew that pressing the issue may just push him further away, given I’d waited 38 years for this I figured I could wait a little longer.

My patience paid off and I got an SMS from him one Sunday asking if I was dating anyone, I responded telling him that was a stupid question! He came back and said if I was ready, he’d like to start dating. My heart skipped a few beats and I felt like jumping for joy. It’s been about five months since that point and we’re progressing really well. I’ve found it a whole new experience, with unknown steps around almost every corner.

The comfort and joy that comes from having a partner makes me feel whole, it makes me feel like I believe we’re supposed to feel. The sacrifices we make for each other, being there for each other and caring about the other person helps to build a relationship that will hopefully stand the test of time.

4 - Coming Out

Making the Decision to Come Out

“Hope will never be silent” Harvey Milk

For any gay person the “coming out” process is possibly the hardest one to make, but at the same time it can be the most invigorating and exciting. For me, understanding that I liked boys as a high school student and then knowing I was gay as a young adult male was something I didn’t want to deal with.

I understood, through Church, that being gay was not what the Lord wanted me to be. I didn’t so much struggle with this doctrine because I believed it to be true. I struggled to understand why Heavenly Father had chosen to impose this temptation on me, what had I done to deserve this? I’m not sure I had done anything nor do I really believe now that this was a temptation that was imposed on me.

As far as the “nurture or nature” debate goes, I think they’re irrelevant. They seem to me to be an intellectual debate by heterosexuals to try to explain why I am the way I am. I believe I’m simply the way I am because I am, it’s as simple as that. As I started to associate with more gay men I began to understand that there are as many individuals within the GLBT community as there are within the straight community. Labeling people serves little purpose or benefit.

My first interaction with gay men was a job when I was about 26. I was working in a call centre with about 110 people, at least 10% of the staff were gay men. The thing that struck me was the variety of guys from the ‘screaming queen’ through to guy you’d get changed with after a football match in the locker room. You would have had no idea he was gay. I became friends with a number of these guys, they knew I was LDS and were respectful of my faith and values and I of their lifestyle and their choices.

It was an interesting two years working with these guys. I had been curious about what a gay man was like for years, I knew I was gay but really didn’t know what that meant. 

I was active in the church until I chose to stop attending in 2009, so the idea of coming out didn’t really enter my mind as I worked with these guys for almost two years. I’m fact, during the time I was there I took two weeks annual leave to travel to the US to propose to a LDS girl in Salt Lake City. We’d met when she was in Australia. I even took a ring with me, within the first week I realised this was not something I could do. I knew it wouldn’t t work because I was gay, however that reason was buried deep inside me. I didn’t consciously think about being gay as a hurdle, I just knew getting married couldn’t happen.

One of the managers at the call centre was an ex US Navy nurse. He was about 6’3”, African American and very handsome. For some reason his ‘gaydar’ was fixed on me. We would discuss many topics, usually religion and the gay community. I was always respectful of his lifestyle choice and he was generally respectful of mine.

All of these interactions helped me understand that gay men were quite normal, they weren’t weird, they wanted to same things as most people. Some even talked about having a family with their partner and children were a part of that plan. If they were able to have what appeared to be a normal life, perhaps I could also. Again, the idea of me coming out was not a conscious thought at this stage.

I was now in my mid to late twenties and coming to terms with who I was as a gay man, although I didn’t think about it, like that, at the time. I would pray about being gay and plead for Heavenly Father to take this temptation away from me, it never happened, but I found the process of articulating out loud during prayer how I felt, a healthy process. What was perhaps less healthy was asking for forgiveness of the things I’d done. It got to the point where I felt demoralized constantly seeking forgiveness for the things I enjoyed and knew that I was never really going to stop doing. Eventually I stopped asking for forgiveness and changed how I spoke to Heavenly Father in prayer. I decided that I was who I was and that wasn’t going to change.